this is for RAYMOND

hi raymond!!! here it is- i am back. he who tirelessly checked this blog day in and day out-for months- sometimes 5-6 times a day for new posting on my exciting, amazing and death defying life.. only to be needlessly disappointed with nothing new to read.. well raymond- this is for you. you know why i took a hiatus. and now you know why i am back.

i am bored. 

again.

3 BIG BOYS in a little STUDIO

I think I have had more visitors to my little studio in NYC than I had in my apartment in SF in a year.  Though the city has a million things to do and places to go- it seems everyone is kind of tired some days and need a place to hang out without blaring music, the hustle of the crowds or the expectation that one must SHELL OUT $150 upon merely leaving the house.....The boys came to go to a big gay black ball (sounds as bad as I think it was) and somehow I pictured a fancy tuxedo occasion, formal and nice. Upon meeting up with them- it was revealed by "black" they mostly meant leather chaps, gloves and motorcycle vests- with nothing else on. HAve I NOT learned??? Not much was said about the even which only leads me to believe I DO NOT WANT TO KnoW MORE ABOUT THE EVENT- and we left it at that and ate ribs. I left SF- please do not bring it back to my apartment in n.y. I did not move to Chelsea either. thank ye, oh loyal subjects if the bare ass chap tribe. Though I love thee so...

Ms THANG update...

HOWDY HO FOLKS

I attribute- or possibly might use the word "BLAME" my new obsession of deer on my Dad and his Texas influence with the Texas Wildlife magazine. The other awesome obsession is bone marrow- Kara and i had a couple hoofs when I was in Austin- and its jut so ... YUM. Its also , hands down, completely and totally disgusting when you get right down to it, and you definitely reach a point of saturation where you just get a sick feeling that it just aint right to be scrapin' the greasy insides of a cow leg out ... But until then its you think you've arrived at cow heaven.  

Tracy gave me these awesome stags head salt and pepper shakers, and it really got me thinkin... how can incoprorate DEER into my EVERYDAY LIFE HERE IN THE BIG APPLE??  Well, add one ex tattoo boyfriend and a really good idea- and folks you have it- I am the proud owner of my own deer - I call him LEON- to have and hold until I am old and wrinkly- or at least until the sun blasts it out so far that it is only recognizable as an old Calvin pissing on Hobbes tattoo- or something of the like. 
This could, in all likelihood- be misinterpreted by some as my  continuing quest to look like a lezbian,  and I have moments- such as the one with Danica and a friend's baby, where I all and out look like I have birthed a child with my lover and we have taken a portrait to send on teh next Christmas card update, explaining who the donor was, or what adoption agency blessed us with our "little miracle". Folks, this just aint true. Until I have unEarthed the every last dysfunctional man on the planet, tried my darndest to date him and gone down in a ball of addicted, self loathing flames, I will not e dating any women. Unless I find one with a penis. In which case, I hope she has severe issues from childhood. 


I held the first annual "She's Crafty" party in the attic- and it was a moderate success. Its no easy feat balancing art projects with bowls of chili and huge glasses of mulled wine up the stairs.. Whats worse is AFTER Drinking the mulled wine- trying to get back DOWN the stairs with a newly created project of STD glass identifiers. I am pretty sure there is a bad painting of a lemer I attempted still up there. I hope the tenants are enjoying that gem. And i expect at least a 50% profit upon the sale of it when I become *famous...*
Mr Shane visited form Colorado and we really really attempted to be cultural. We headed to The MEt and possibly did the fastest tour in history of the entire museum. It was a lot to take in, but this was one of many attempts to get a picture of us in front of a naked penis. I mean- Ya gotta keep it fresh. Unfortunately, I was all to aware of the prison , I mean museum guard and kept snapping them off center. Dammit. I mean what do I have to show form my cultural awakening with no nudie shots?? 

Moving to NYC might have been just the thing a middle aged unemployed broken hearted jaded cynic needs. Or not. Actually- its nice to experience the bitter cold on your face- makes you know that you are alive- and that maybe you had grown more *pussy* like than you had expected out in California. It is an odd existence of small apartments and constant searches for bars or restaraunts that serve your whim of the moment- but  its a welcome change form the cuddle parties and polygamy meetings in my old neighborhood. The best is seeing old and I MEAN OLD SCHOOL friends form colorado that haven't changed much- and have changed a lot- and still remind you that life is good- people are good despite the sh*t behavior some displayed during the Bush administration.  Although going to a laundry mat sucks eggs- no matter how you hard boil it.

CRABS AREN'T BAD

people are really drawn to this t-shirt. I do not know why. Its either a cruel joke i am unassumingly playing on myself everyday that folks are actually kind of mocking me by saying "CRABS! AWESOME!" and pointing or that they genuinely have an affinity for the little buggers. 

total girl crush

I always moderately liked The Breeders- they were good enough and any offshoot of Pixies was just one degree closer for me to be to the REAL DEAL.. BUt this SHOW ROCKED. It really did. I lost myself in it and just screamed the lyrics like a Clay Akin fan at his Idol reunion show. Made me go home and practice my guitar chords the next day. Unfortunately, that lasted exactly that=- one day. 

Jenni and Matt have that kind of weird relationship where when he strangles her you think " oh, isn't that cute??" As we have come to believe that any attention- albeit negative - from MAtt is good attention- and he might just be that much closer to saying " I LUV U Jenni" via text at 4 am from the PIzza joint in 6 short months. If we're lucky!!! 
JZ, Jarm and me headed to Santa Cruz JUST CUZ... one fine day and ended up at an all ages rock-a-illy show and a $69 hotel room on the "bad side of town" SO, for Santa Cruz, that meant an ocean view- and a fellow in the parking lot that offered to get us high for a 7-11 donut. It was fun- and weird things always seem to pass when we 3 are together- I talked to some boys who toured wit the band ( ie stalkers who follow them) and they sai dthey were 18. I did some quick calculations, and people, I am no Mathmetician. But I realized I WAs DOUBLE- yes DOUBLE THEIR AGE!! Rock on.....

She don't need no King

Howe slays me. Me and a room full of 50 year old men last night. 

I don't want another fish. I don't even want to look at the sea.

Dr. Suesssenhausen

its starting to seem like groundhog day for me in SF. Every year the same events happen, the city goes apeshit everytime,  and I find myself writing about them since its been a cycle ongoing. The 3 boys came for Folsom street fair again- and invaded my house. This is the disaster area they stayed in-apparently the rumor that gay men are clean is a misnomer... and I had to arrange a cab and alarm for their 7 am flight back monday to portland- since none of them could see straight at 3 am Sunday night. I didn't go this year -the pee tasting scene and fisting booth was more than enough to last me a lifetime last year-but we had a lovely Saturday in Sausalito where we introduced Carsten to Dr Suess at the art gallery for the first time. He said he now understands why Americans are so simple if this was how we all learned to read...

he has a point...of course he was walking around in laiderhousen at The Bank of America in my neighborhood and I am sure a few Americans might have something to say about the Germans as well. Can't we all just get along?

mamamamamammyyyyyyyyy vagina

Anthony came to town and his record label's band from portland played- and half of Pdx was there it seemed. You could just smell the hipness. They actually were way better than I thought they were and it was fun to do something in a different venue-which was a coffee house packed to the rim. which actually might be why it reminded me of "that place." seemed liked being in the rainy state that night just from the vibe. interesting. I guess these are the new hip bumper stickers as well. and its arguable if he should have this on his car. 

for many reasons. 

and I am not sure liz should be making this "V" with her fingers near it either.

He Barocked it

They sold out The Roxie theater for a BYOB screening of the debates Friday. It was awesome. I mean awesome.  We took up 2 drunk rows- and aside from Bess we all loved the heckling - and it got louder the worse McCain was and the drunker everyone got. I say aside from Bess becasue while we all did generally  want to listen-she was probably the only one that had to sit at dinner on Sunday with a Pulitzer Prize winning author ( her Dad THE AMAZING KENNEDY)  on American History and answer questions regarding the nuances between the answers. 

I think he would love my version of watching which was to laugh out loud every time McCain said "package."

These days I wake up early for no apparent reason and just stare at the wall. I have never been a morning person- and really I should jump up and go to work- but instead- I stare. This morning I started wandeirng around my house and noticing the things like the light through the sunflowers on my table- and the miniature dog and donkey that my dad sent- as another reminder of my roots, and what could await me if I would just give up the city life- and what I will inheirate upon his demise. . I put my camera on MACRo and fotographed my kitchen- its a pretty good macro- if I dont say so- and well, probably better than the staring. Even If I still didn't make it to work til 11:30.

I like how they are both smiling- the dog may have kind of alterior motive with his grin- but the donkey is definatley just your average miniature happy donky. And yes, the answer is yes. Please don't call and ask. Yes. I HAVE lost my mind.

now this REALLY makes me laugh out loud- "THIS CAN"T BE REAL"

Here's just a few quotes from Claymates (Clay Aiken fan group) who aren't waving rainbow flags this morning:

"This is a gut wrenching day for The ClayNation. Somebody wake me up, I hope its a dream."

"please tell me I'm not the only one who is shocked beyond belief! I feel numb I'm so upset. This can't be real!! How can you guys say this won't change anything? This changes EVERYTHING. I don't even know what to think right now"

"I hope he gets some peace of mind now BUT I feel he lied to everyone-especially us fans. I feel like we were "used". I also feel he has now become like a Michael Jackson and it's a bit too weird! He isn't just the plain ordinary person with the values he first stood for."

"To me this is the saddest thing and the reason I won't be able to hold him as my idol. I remember the day when I ran to turn it on and called all the family to watch with pride. It just seems so in your face now and I don't want exposing my kids to this. "

"I just feel rather silly now having spent the last 5 years drooling over and being fan girly for a singer I thought was straight and now finding out he is gay. We always called him our boyfriend and that won't be happening anymore."

this makes me laugh out loud

Mac ook Pro

I have gone to the dark side - that is I purchased a macbook pro... and will never go back I am sure. Unfortunately - it hasnt improved my typing skills one bit- and i am finding the"B" key especially hard to punch for some reason- leaving all my stories about biyatches, brides and glass bottom boats even more confusing. I can say a few people have claimed they are now fluent in "carey type" so I feel I am encouraging the use of the left side of most people's brains that I instant chat with. which only adds to the general well being of mankind. Like how the makers of Viagra must feel.

It only took me losing my MIND after dealing with craiglist freaks ( i.e. liars? cheats? scammers?) for a few weeks to achieve this small victory of owning my shiny silver new 4GB 2..6 GHZ 250 gb 512 MB honey. Don't be impressed- I only know this stuff after bugging every computer geek I know for a month -and I won't know what they mean tomorrow. but i DO know I got a decent deal from a rich kid in Marin whose parents bought him the thing for school- he dropped out- never opened it and wanted the cash. LIttle shit.

This happened ONLY after stalking a girl who claimed she bought an even better model on E-bay and was awaiting its arrival to buy from her. After missing the stellar deal at Apple for a free i-touch- she reported back to me she had been sent a box with newspapers and plastic plates in it. I would have been pissed handing over $2700 for some plates. even though I could use some. NOt to mention I had 2 people over that work at Apple that reminded me they could've gotten me 25% off. dum dum dum. I mean DUMB. With a "b."

The whole thing was sketchy - and I think made me nervous because friday when I went out to my car - I realized I had carried the tv remote with me all the way to the street. I also left the oven on for 12 hours after baking a gluten free cake. AT least if I had burned the house down I could have still turned the tv on. I may just be trying to do too much to forget the fact that I feel like a girl dressed up in tafita for prom left at her house whose date didn't show up, and my job makes me feel like a dolphin jumping hoops for fish bits at Seaworld- and trying to take 10 units at film school and keep jumping through said hoops while whistling Dixie us just too much for anyone to do??

but is it weird instead of the 35 poeple I had at my house friday night I wanted to just be in bed snuggling with my new MB Pro and editing Gunsmoke which is due tomorrow?? Not after what I went through to win this *a#y over. I mean BaBy.

I have got to move out of this town.

I just got these e-mails today that had the subject lines;

Looking for fire torch wicking for Poi show‏.

SHAMANISM: The Hidden Realm.

Spiritual Development through Out-of-Body Experiences!‏

Tribal Fusion Bellydance NOW in Fairfax!‏

All Men Are Sexual Healers Home Course Released!‏

how to piss me off

sit in your '91 Honda Accord opposite me at a red light. without your signal on. when the light turns green punch yer little car's gas as fast as it will go into the intersection to turn left RIGHT IN FRONT OF A 900cc MOTORCYCLE thinking you will beat me- forcing me to brake in an intersection almost running into your stupid windshield or having me fly off my bike over the front. either way you are an idiot. I'm not asking for a cushipon pad made of flower petals and ice cream on every corner- but please don't put my precious head at risk any more than it is because you can't afford the 2009 lamborghini you want so you try to prove your manhood in other ways....

caught in a frenzy

this is pretty funny in itself. total disgust.

but here is what we were watching. the lady lives in Russia- there aint no SPCA and stuff there. you could probably eat them if you wanted to and no one would say a word.

we really are too uptight here in the U.S.

ba-dunk this

my co-worker just came over and said "damn! I just noticed ____ has a serious ba-dunk-a-dunk! you ever notice that? damn!"
we have been working with ____ for over 8 months now- and yes, I have noticed her ba-dunk. a. dunk.
its huge. but its not that its huge- its that she 's all mary kate up top- like straight out of a j crew catalog- then all shaniqua in back. its pretty strange. but hey- someone could easliy find me curled up underneath my desk one of these days = and well- its ok to have an ass the size of Germany at work- its NOT ok to be so tired you find solace in the warmth of your floor space covered in computer cables.
and my budaunk aint so tiny its own damn self.

make it right

Sofia

i was seriously worried when Steve posted this picture of his baby- she had a little goatee and a really really awful alien look about her- but seriously- she is shaping up to be just a precious little adorable creature. So, I am advising Steve to go get a paternity test immediately.

jesus how many people had sex in January?

Its Jeni, regina and Kassia's birthday this weekend- and JZ' is next friday. Seriously- thats 9 people in a 3 week span. I guess I DO LIKE VIRGOS...bastards. I read all about the aluminum deodorant health thing and decided to try not wearing any last night- and after Sean took a picture of me that revealed HUGE SWEATY ARMPITS I guess I'll just go ahead and go with the alzheimer's...

Ed did a taste test later on because Jarmilka is usually the stinky hippie of the bunch - not me- but I was neck and neck with her. gross. And she is European- so she has an excuse. I was trying to not be a total kook when I get older- but whatever. stinky now-or crazy later. Some would argue I'm crazy now- so why not roll with it...

Jeni's B- day party was a block from Don and Syrus' Ukelaleu show - so it worked out nicely to stumble by both- and proceed to stink up 2 venues at once. I made fun of Greg's drum machine to no end- but it really did add some awesome sound effects to " I don't want to do your dirty work- oh yeah" even if it was half a square foot and he sits in a chair and pecks at it like chicken typing.

obin Williams had a last minute secret show on Tuesday and it was so amazing. He is fucking brilliant. I was trying to re-enact his pornography video on Fast Forward - and I guess it made me sweat even more.

don dmc!

It was Don Steele's Birthday- and I had no idea I knew so many Virgos... but unfortunately it was on a week night- and as 4 am started to roll around and I found myself groping Don up against a wall while he was wearing a full leather black zip up uniform that kind of made him look like run DMC with his adidas on- I knew it was time to go. Only Right after the rindition if NEW YORK NEEWWWW YOOOOORK! we did.

Pipers tattoo

Accident? I think NOT.

Imagine big SHOES!

Jarmilka wanted to go see Modeselektor for her birthday, and I swear, no matter how many times I read it or hear it- every time- I SAY it- I say it wrong. Its just like the word hyperbole. Everytime I say HYPER-BOWL. Good thing I have no use for that word whatsoever in my vocabulary. Although I use them everyday.

hyperbole: The difference is a hyperbole is an exaggeration. For example: His feet were as big as a barge. It looks like a simile. It is comparing foot size to the size of a barge. Everyone knows that a barge is approximately 700 feet long. Imagine getting a pair of shoes that big!

EXAMPLE:

Jarmilks turned like 12 years old. Imagine! Only being 12 years old and delaing with Don Steele!

Her party ended up being a darn good time- and unfortunately I left my camera on the table for far too long and ended up with shots such as these

I particularly like the shot of JZ next to the lezbian smut cd- THAT SHE CLAIMS SHE FOUND IN HER BACK YARD....yeah. see what living in SF too long can do to a perfectly nice girl from Long Island?

Syrus, who I am pretty sure is responsible for these shots- including this self portarit and the one of my crotch in particular-(Lorenzo is his name but I FINALLY I got everyone to call him Syrus the Virus all day) must have enjoyed ONE of only 2 cupcakes - all alone because it was all over his beard- which no one wanted after that. I baked Quiches - yes I BAKED QUICHES and I didnt eat them. or even try them. But I hear they were actually good- and the secret ingredient was TEARS . Indeed TEARS. I was blasting Ratatat while baking in preparation for the show last night (which was so F*CKING moving I can't even begin to explain) but although the recipe didn't call for salt- it obviously needed some. Made with love and heart and emotion. damn emotions.

I didn't even mind feeling a ton at The Fillmore while rocking with the hot overpacked crowd. MAn I just love it when I love it. so much without saying a word with those ratataters.

Makes me wanna shut up. Kind of.

yum! squirrel

My dad likes to remind me of my Texas roots in various ways. 1. by calling me at 6 am in the morning and telling me he has been up for hours tending cattle. Like I should be. or at least be at whole foods by now buying organic something 2. telling me not to "get too fancy upthar in that loud city" and 3. by renewing my subscription to Texas Outdoor every year. This magazine is a seriously bizarre compilation of tips on how to appreciate wildlife, preserve natural beauty and animals AND THEN BLAST THE SH*T OUT OF THEM! My Dad is a perfect combination of this as he is totally humane and loves animals- but also kills them for a living. Which you have to do if you own a cattle ranch. The killing part- not the humane part.

I was reading it in bed on Sunday becauseI cannot bring myself to read another word of "Eat Pray Love no matter how many F**king specials Oprah has on it, AND it had the 2008 HUNTING forecast I have been so eagerly awaiting. To my itter disbeleief and sheer JOY- I found a nice little section on SMALL ANIMALS TO KILL. TO introduce CHILDREN to hunting! That is..... SQUIRRELS. Now- here is where my Texas pride kind of becomes - well, embarrassing. I am not really sure what you do with a squirrel after you "GIT 'EM"- but I am afraid the answer might have something to do with adding salt and pepper to taste.

not that nice that not nice

Its super nice to have someone come over and bring you soup and check on you in your time of need. Its super A- holey to take fotos of your time of need. although i've been known to do the same. :)

I was determined to kick the ass of whatever was making me sick- it was just too nice out to be sweating in bed. I wante dto be sweating somewhere else. But upon arriving- with the soup- Jen found it HILARIOUS to take sick fotos of me. ha. defenseless. but I did kick the crap out of that bug. gallons of water- emergen-c every 3 hours and super green food. whose queen> eh> eh>????

Oh, Nooooooo YOU DID- INT!!!

"Today was one of those days when the Universe wraps itself around my head and humps my skull just to show its dominance." I woke up and was pretty sure the entire East coast's germs had landed in my ears and head. A few people at the wedding were sick- and I was coughed on by all of them- and I remember the exact moments-thinking," well, I hope that bug didnt somehow get into my mouth even though I'm a foot away from them." But it did -that and no sleep for a week did it- not to mention the pair of 400 lb. Chicago mafia sisters that took up 3 seats between the 2 of them that TALKED (YELLED) the entire flight back about their niece who was "so unfairly arrested in Oakland for beating up a man" well into the night not allowing anyone to sleep the entire trip. Even with earplugs shoved in my already stuffed ears. I think I heard "Fo-ged aboudit" like 20 times.

Also, upon returning home- I realized I had sublet my apartment to CHEWBACCA. BLACK CHEWBACCA. BLACK CHEWBACCA IN the summertime SHEDDING. The bathrooms were full of long hairs in one and short hairs in the other- the likes of which I have never seen. NO HUMAN could possibly have shed that much hair in 10 days. They also were apparently not aware of the ONE GOLDEN RULE in my house. NO CILANTRO. DUH. You see, sometimes when I sublet I come back to flowers, a shockingly super clean apartment and even a weeks worth of awesome groceries they couldn't finish. Its like Christmas with a Santa Clause that has no list of what I might like. But no- in addition to the ewok or grrrrrrrrranimals that stayed here- they also appeared to be CILANTRO LOVERS- because the ONLY thing I found in my refrigerator was this. I mean Its like a pound of it- and its the ONLY thing in there. What does someone even DO with a pound of that stuff? this is further evidence that it was probably an herbivore with fur staying here. How did they know? how'd they guess? I guess I didn't leave a print out of

http://www.ihatecilantro.com/ visible for them.

They also left these coasters. Which are just weird. and ugly. and who travels with ceramic coasters to a rental house? Furry cilantro eating sweaty glass drinkers, that's who. I need to be more specific in my rental ads.

ITS 90 DEGREES IN SF TODAY- YUP- RIGHT ON SCHEDULE-SEPTEMBER- LET SUMMER BEGIN!

Half of Sivans wedding party is still in N Carolina

"It now appears Hanna will be a Category 1 hurricane when it hits the North Carolina coast early Saturday morning, Since the exact path is uncertain, everyone who lives in the coastal counties needs to be ready." Gov. Mark Sanford urged the voluntary evacuation of two northeast counties, as the storm approached.
"The suggestion is for people to look at this storm and make their own decisions," he said.

I find it incredibly strange someone would tell the general public - AND LETS BE HONEST- MAYBE NOT THE SHARPEST TACKS IN THE SACK- to just take a gander at the storm once you can see it and decide THEN if its time to run away?? I dunno.

mayor of the second biggest city in Alaska

If one more person gets married I'm gonna...

go and be happy for them I guess... Nicole is another person that looks exactly the same as she did in 9th grade. see her there in the front?? spitting image- no?
the fotos all look like some backdrop at a photography studio your parents made you go to in 4th gradeto get that "perfect family" shot-while you fought the whole way there and back smiling only when the flash went off- because your mom bribed you with the McDonald's you were promised once a year if you were good. but in this case its real. Telluride Colorado really DOES look like this.
Nicole asked me to go raft the GRand Canyon which is an amazing offer- but after nearly drowning rafting and also drowning in tears I didn't think I was in the right mental space. They are somewhere near Phantom Ranch today- probbaly not where I belong at the moment.

I was quite the joiner last month- sheesh. these classes and working are killing me- but I swear- If I can NOT be a lawyer by next year I would be thrilled. and not wish bad things to all my friends who are getting married and pregnant. I promise.
ok just a little a little.

LAINIE's a NEW YORKER!

I met up with Lainie for breakfast at "the Meat" whose only regret about moving to NY last year was that she didn't get out of that "god forbidden boring fog town SF sooner" and proceeded to eat raw oysters and champagne, with a croque madame and then headed out to drink red wine in the baking sun at Brass Monkeys' rooftop, only to be followed by spiced pina coladas at the rusty knot. I really coudln't figure out why i felt like puking a couple hours later on Scott's couch- until I recapped what was actually sitting in my gut.

LESSON: You CAN have it all in Manhattan- but you really shouldn't.

At least not all at once....

Deep Virginia

I hitched a ride to the Norfolk airport with Jason and really thought he was joking when he said we were going to stop off at the MONSTER TRUCK BUILDING SIGHT. He was not joking in the least.

I guess I should have known- I mean what else does Virginia have but monster trucks and endless crab cakes?? Oh yeah, all the guests that go on Jerry Springer.

Also, at JFK- there is an iPod vending machine. I thought this was really problematic- as I have more than once- punched in A-8 for Cool Ranch Doritos only to accidentally get Red Hot Fire Cheetos- the likes of which no one would actually want. And really, I just can't imagine making that kind of mistake with a $399 purchase and say, ending up with an iPod shuffle- also something no one really wants.

Duck, North Carolina or Sivan got mawwied

Sivan really tested the will of all of us as her wedding was at the far reaches of NC- on a tiny little peninsula in the Outer Banks. It was worth getting to- amazing is really how you describe it. ALL the houses were literally planatation mansions- where I am pretty sure no one that owns one actually lifts a finger or knows what a broom looks like. It was picturesque and let all of us live in a little fantasy for a few days bbq'ing by the pool- surfing and well, just pure perfection ... until I heard someone say the word "jellyfish" I was in heaven. At that point it became one notch just below heaven- and I decided I would melt in the heat and die of dehydration before I entered an ocean that had one single floating jelly anything. I won't even eat PB& J now.

and don't forget the:
FANTAsY OF SHRIMP. I ate 394 shrimp. and that was before dinner.

Sivan was totally gorgeous-as usual- so all ten of us really didn't need to climb in the bathtub and do her hair- but we wanted her to not be bored on her wedding night and have to pick 30 bobby pins out later. The kids had the right idea- after baking in the sun on the bech for a bit during the ceremony- they decided to make sand pillows- and I am pretty sure the photographer didn't capture these impromptu unmissable shots. Everyone was jealous frankly- cause a good sand burying can do anyone some good.

I had only had about 3 tear jerker moments all week- and since you are SUPPOSE to cry at a wedding i think it was disguised well as tears of happiness...so the swolen eyes were acceptable that day. not sure what to do about tomorrow though.

Good for Sivan- she found it and married it. The last straight awesome guy who wants a house and family in San Francisco!

Graham Costanza

Graham has a George Costanza wallet. He cannot actually carry it in his pocket- so he carries it by hand everywhere. And it actually does not really shut. It has receipts from 1989 in it- and it sits on the table at every bar and restaraunt he goes to.

I guess its better than putting it in his back pocket and risking crippling back injury from sitting and walking lop sided due to the bulge.

or cleaning it out.

stupid heart

I really wish I could reach in through my chest cavity- bust through my ribs and grab my stupid broken heart and rip it out. Throw it against the wall and watch it slide down leaving a trail of blood in its path and land on the floor and wait for it to beat irregularly and pathetically UNTIL IT JUST STOPS.

THE MEAT!

I was being my ever funny self (at least to me) after several hours of red wine the night before- and really wanted to go find "THE MEAT!" as I put it loudly- which is actually why I think any dude from New Jersey responded in kind. I meant the Meat Packing district- and well- I got it. We had an incredible dinner in which Graham ordered lamb. 20 POUNDS OF LAMB. I am not sure why he is eating my head here becasue honestly- he was full. he kept peeling back layer after layer of lamb- and then more lamb. we all tried to eat it- and then there was more- and more. many many lambs lost their lives for this plate of meat. Lamb is like visiting your parents. its awesome- its great- and then its time to wrap it up and call it a day. small doses. its just a lot to take.

but we definatley got the meat. The waiter kept coming by and clearing everything else on the table- like someone REALLY WAS going to eat that last pound of lamb any minute now- so the meat had to be shoved to the side- which inenevitably became the new dance move of the night. "push the plate" will soon be seen on many many dance floors accross America any day now. WAIT FOR IT....I came up with this dead sober people-

I am not actually certain what move Shelly and scott are in the middle of here- but I feel sure scott would blend in The Castro with that one...

NYC - just because...

I was worried about taking a red eye to NYC - but I went straight from the airport at 6 am to Rahil's bed and slept a couple hours and it was golden. Bad timing on my part as Greg was coming from Portland (hey! I can actulaly type the name of that city now without having my stomach rise up into my throat and block my breathing!) to SF that day- I got to NY just as Rahil was headed to Portland- so we did a big triangle- (not of the famed dolorose park kind though.) I did get to have our famous bottle of wine and borollo cheese 4 hour lunch with Rahil on the sidewalk cafe I love so much- and frankly- I could live on that hunk of love on a plate forever. Rahil has looked the exact same since 9th grade- every foto I ever take of her looks just like this. And i Seem to only get shorter and more jaded. Doe sit show? and while i missed her- after seeing everyone else's apartments- it was a small miracle to have my own bed in Manhatten for the week. Especially after eating my body weight in cheese.

I was particularly pleased with the composotion of this rooftop foto. But after 2 spilled glasses of wine and a big guy from New Jersey claiming he had finally found the love of his life- I had to leave- and the pool wasn't nearly as inviting as it looked. I had a feeling the drunkest girl in the bar was usually the love of his life.

Wilco

Daytime.

I was sitting in the sun and heard a very loud scream from a gay man next to me who walked up on this dead bird in the doorway. And yes, I knew he was gay from his scream. Well, the jumping and flittering about helped- but I have a nack for these things after living here so long. Trust me. I also know the bird was dead form the way it laid upside down so still, and was NOT flittering around.
Upon further inspection- the lettering on the door says its A LAW OFFICE- I don't think that was a mistake. Unless the bird saw his bill and dropped dead right there.

I have the nack.

I lost Myself.....

Did you ever buy tickets to a show that you and your love really both like to have a great memorable romantic birthday watching them together with his chin on your head swaying then break up and end up there with your cousins ex husband because you couldn't keep track of 20 other people in the crowd overwhelmed with feelings and emotions you didn't know you had to the most amazing music you have heard live maybe EVER? I have.

Beck really must have only thought of a haricut in his mind cause he looked like a girl with them locks-but I danced like a fool to him and the mass exodous getting out of there was insane- we broke down fences- climbed trees and trampled all the wildlife in the park. I wondered how they would contain thousands of people in a huge park- but the sound was better than expected and the evening was ALMOST worth the high dolla dolla bills y'all.

think

I 've been taking bathroom art lately- and this caught my eye at first- what I didn't notice right away was the smaller art sample within the bigger art- hmm maybe thats my problem. Gotta rethink.

The twins: my mom, (Peggy Sue) and my aunt, (Patty jo) came over to make me dinner and do some home improvements. We got curtains so the peeky peekerson neighbor can't see in anymore- and really what happened is they proceeded to drink 2 bottles of wine and try and pry into my love life while mixing up a can of tuna with crackers. Yum. I could have done that. But I didn't. And it was sweet and nice to house Dizzy and Daffy for an evening. They insisted on watching the Olympics in which after each glass of wine they got a little louder about telling those "tiny little gymnansts they are doing it all wrong."


I also offered to drive Jeni home the other night from Sadies Fying Elephant bar- Im not sure why they call it that other than there is a big old fashioned popcorn maker in the bar providing delicious stale corn to go along with my 5 glasses of water I had there-drinking water works three fold: 1. forcing the popcorn to expand and really fill me up like dinner would have, 2.replenshing the fluids lost in crying 2-3 times a day and 3. preventing further tears by "boozing sadness" a mistake a lot of people make while trying to kill the pain- only to end up crying more in their beer to the bartender who could give a f*ck about how "Special and different " so- and- so was. Believe me, I know. I've been on both sides of it.

but after realizing she was a bit tipsy-and my car was at the top of the hill- I watched her struggle half way up with her 7 inch heels chuckling to myself until she realized how crappy it was to hike in them and finally said after 5 minutes whined, "this SUCKS!"





Now, while I do appreciate calls, emails and various gestures of kindness to lift me up from the depths of hell that is my mind I have to say V, you posting on my Facebook page that:


oh, one more thing...i keep on getting these stupid e-mails from fb, on 'compare people' and you are REGULARLY at the top as one of my hottest friends...(apparently, you were voted 41 times.) so, it can't be all bad, sebera."

Does not really set my mind at ease. One, I am sure the likes of YOUR friends are either perverts or advertising freaks two, judging "hotness" should really be reserved for wet T-shirt contests (the like of which I have never participated) and three, FB has really gone off the deep end with their applications. Its just plain weird. Granted I spend precious time on this thing- but rating your friends on a "hotness scale" ? Have we nothing better to do? I spose not. We have to sit at our desks for a minimum of 8 hours and fill the time somehow. Nevermind. Thanks V.

film school is awesome! Film school is RAD! Film school is at 8 am on Mondays?????!!!

what the

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL

Worst movie I could have watched today- jesus christ, the broken hearted fool doesn't meet a nicer, cuter, better person 3 weeks after their heart gets shredded.. Or at least I didn't.

NO, in week 3 I got a massive sunburn (where I obviousy only hit one finger spot with sunblock) at Dolores (dog shit) park where we got triangulated ( TRIANGULATED : the act of being surrounded by 3 dogs who poo at various points around you therefor creating a "triangle" that surrounds you with bad smells") by pooping dogs- which provided some comic relief when Tom picked up the poop and DELIVERED IT TO THEIR owners- in which the owner INSPECTED The poo to see if it was actually their dogs- and really- couldn't argue.

I got my car vandalized, then to round out the week- I got..........wait for it... wait for it...... YES!!! A THIRD !!THREE !!!!THREE TIMES A CHARM !!!staph infection (I will save you the horror pictures this time) that has provided more DR's bills- more anibiotics in my little body, and YES MORE
PAIN and more of my insides coming out through my skin to the outside.... so

yes,
FORGET IT.

At least I've got lard.

Is it almost September? I figure one year of this bullsh*t has to be the limit.

godammit.

I'm Not crying- my eyes are sweaty

People are getting canned around work like its A Christmas in July sale- flying off the shelves.. you look -and they're gone! POOF! just the type of stress I need! Especially after putting in for another 2 week vacation..
I had to ask for help form the IT guy- because when I took the far superior desk of a has-been co-worker the programs weren't running right. After the 3 rd time of asking him for help and it not working he came doan and was PISSED- as IT people get. I am not sure if its normal or not- but I started tearing up when he was annoyed with me and said with hi seyes" WHY ARE YOU A COMPUTER RETARD??" I coudln't see through the tears and didn't want to ask in all seriousness, "umm where is the back slash key?" NO, I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be so emotionally wrought that you cry from the It guy being annoyed- but I'm sad. Bottom lline. No joke. I didn't even crack a smile today when noramlly the sight of a very tiny sorrority looking mini skirted wearing blonde getting her heel caught in the escelator and screaming bloody murder when she was getting near the top would normally have me rolling.
but hey, I'm not crying...



Raymond suggetsted I call the IT guy up again and ask where is the "any" key...but that would insure someone breaking down for sure..

I wish.

cowgirl dan?

my aversion to dressing up was overcome by Danica's announcement she was moving to NYC- everyone is



bailing ship it seems. I was into it, until we were walking down the street and I realuzed that the reason I hate dressing up is because I FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE.. and Im pretty sure everyone in The Mission just thought we were strippers going to a bachelor party. Why else would anyone be dressed as a cowgirl, a devil and a 70's whore in the middle of August? It was a little better once meeting up with the other 30 assholes- especially when the disco ball showed up and took the pressure off the rest of us. Sweet sistah D- we shall miss you!!!! And not one soul put a dollar in my pants all night!

READ IT AN WIPE

So a friend is putting togther a book about PUBLIC DIARHEA STORIES called read it an dWipe, and here is my entry:


Senior year of High School, I was lucky enough to attend a traveling school where you visited a foreign country for a month for credit. We were hiking The Copper Canyons of Mexico- you know the ones with the Tarahumara Indians who run for days and probably should have won every Olympic sport WITHOUT steroid use - only if they had cared to enter.

Well, there was only one thing running in our group- and that was endless flows of diarrhea and puke from everyone in our group. For instance, a back country truck ride we took to get over some of the "rough patches" on our trip lead my teacher to spew fresh enchilada via vomit all over my backpack. I know I hadn't been his favorite student and I, among others, wondered why my backpack was targeted while sitting next to 20 other people's for full cheesy coverage.

And for another instance- take our Student body president- full of poise, grace and every hair always in place- a young man bent on entering The Air Force Academy and named "Brick." No Joke. Upon Brick entering one of the only outhouses we had seen for weeks- we heard a huge SQQQQQUUEEEEL come from underneath and witnessed a huge pig covered in PINK CHUNKY LIQUID come running out as if he were about to be made into bacon. Brick had ingested so much Pepto Bismol that anything coming out of his orifices was now hot pink- and it highly disturbed the pig who must have previously been eating "yummy excrements" as opposed to Brick's Pepto flavored version.

I laughed with the arrogance of a fool and the only person in the group of 15 of us, and maybe the planet, to have not fallen victim to Mexico. I had won. you suckers. I am strong. I will survive. VIVA AMERICA!
Until Mexico City.

It was our last day, we were finally in civilization- meaning we had a flush toilet. Oh, did we have a toilet. My luck had run out. Or God was punishing me for laughing at those less fortunate than me- like he likes to do. That pain I have never felt again- piercing and stabbing my insides until I shed tears. I stayed there for hours- emptying out every drop of liquid I could muster. And then one more. I was so dehydrated my lips were cracking- but I didn't care. If it wasn't coming out my sore rear-end and my mouth anymore- that was fine.

I slept wrapped around that toilet- on the dirty, but cold, porcelain of a Mexican hotel bathroom until "the Doctor" could see me. At this point most everyone else was doing okay, and everyone was standing around hoping to be inspired by a miraculous antidote from a foreign genius. Little did I know, as I later found out, he was actually just the guy down at the pharmacy working the front desk that day.

"EVERYONE OUT! OUT !!! WE MUST HAVE PRIVACY!" He shooed everyone into the hall and I was ready to be saved. He lifted my shirt ever so lightly above my belly button and pressed on my stomach for a minute- sucking his teeth and shaking his head. "YOU EAT BAD FOOD" was his diagnosis. "Yes," I said. "Yes."

He then called everyone back in .The entire trip was standing over me- watching, staring, wondering. So was I. The Doctor then proceeded to TAKE MY SHIRT off, and instructed me to take my pants off, and then felt me up almost everywhere possible. I was so weak at this point I just didn't care. Everyone stared blankly- kind of in disbelief. And not because I looked like Pam Anderson.I don't know if you were ever naked in front of a group of your high school peers and TEACHERS- but it wasn't exactly the highlight of my career. He pushed hard into my gut for what seemed like an eternity- and said " Aha- you av a probleeem in yoooor estumuch. your estumuch is velly velly shick, you must a drink a 15 seven -ooops."

"15 7-ups? you mean 15 SIPS of 7-up?" I mean , I coudln't even hold down spit let alone a soda.

"EMMM..eh, no no. 15 7- ooops. Here." His "assistant" ( I think she was a 6 year old neighbor he had doing child labor) ran out and returned with, and lined up, 15 7-ups alongside the nightstand. Ominous - like a marathon I was suppose to run after not training one bit. He proceeded to shove one of those old green bottles that had been re-used for years and had the dirt around the bottle neck to prove it towards my mouth. I reluctantly drank. a sip. and then another. "Go - on... mas mas...quotorse mas."

At that moment- I raised myself out of bed- You see, my body did not WANT 15 7-ups, or even one sip of 7_up or ANYTHING in it . I ran buck naked in front of my entire high school travel team- and simultaneously puked and pooped all over myself trying to get to the porcelain room. I didn't make it. Now thsi was teh highlite of my career.

I am not sure what the view from the back end looked like- brown and runny no doubt- or exactly who was in that room, but the vision of that briefly crossed my mind as I looked out into the crowd as I gave my graduation speech a few weeks later.

No one ever spoke of Mexico when we got back home.

Except for the school nurse who called me in to report that the medicine the Mexican "doctor" had given me was old urinary tract infection meds that had been outlawed in America 15 years ago.

VIVA MEXICO!

Pretty much done with the pain. thanks.

I have recieved calls of concern- and some with hysterical laughter- about my many ailments over the last August to August time period. WTF?? Just to re cap:

1. shirt on fire casuing serious burns on backside
2. assburn literally from the Burning Man causing scarring
3. broken heart ripped in two
4. surgery from major infection on shoulder
5. motorcycle crash
6. major infection on face giving birth to alien like intity
7. same heart ripped into fours
8. jellyfish burns causing mental and scarring on legs
9. almost drowning
Yes, I have several scars on various parts of my body. Yes I am worse off for the wear. but no- My face does not look as bad as the picture below suggests: just to prove it- even after a couple hours of crying- you cant tell puss literally filled my face up a few months ago!

but a puss face I have- yes, for sure.

air car

CNN) -- You've heard of hybrids, electric cars and vehicles that can run on vegetable oil. But of all the contenders in the quest to produce the ultimate fuel-efficient car, this could be the first one to let you say, "fill it up with air."


The compressed air car planned for the U.S. market would be a six-seater, a New York company says.

That's the idea behind the compressed air car, which backers say could achieve a fuel economy of 106 miles per gallon.

Plenty of skepticism exists, but with many Americans trying to escape sticker shock at the gas pump, the concept is generating buzz.

The technology has been the focus of MDI, a European company founded in 1991 by a French inventor and former race car engineer.

New York-based Zero Pollution Motors is the first firm to obtain a license from MDI to produce the cars in the United States, pledging to deliver the first models in 2010 at a price tag of less than $18,000.

The concept is similar to how a locomotive works, except compressed air -- not steam -- moves the engine's pistons, said Shiva Vencat, vice president of MDI and CEO of Zero Pollution Motors.

awesome sunset when i got home last night. dont mind the wires in the way- thats what a city sunset looks like...

still doesn't make me want to jump with glee. dammit.

only one previous owner

I am seriously waiting for that "time will heal all wounds" crap to kick in. SO far everyday seems to be making it worse. How's THAT work?
but despite everyone's efforts at work to "cheer me up" "there are other fish in the sea" BLAH BLAH BLHA SHUT THE F**K UP' this little nugget did make me crack a smile:

Guess I should stop telling men I am not Superwoman

Stages of Love: Attachment

The attachment, or commitment stage, is love for the duration. You've passed fantasy love and are entering into real love. This stage of love has to be strong enough to withstand many problems and distractions. Studies by University of Minnesota and others have shown that the more we idealize the one we love, the stronger the relationship during the attachment stage.
Psychologists at the University of Texas in Austin have come to the same conclusion. They found that idealization appears to keep people together and keep them happier in marriage. "Usually, this is a matter of one person putting a good spin on the partner, seeing the partner as more responsive than he or she really is," says the study's lead investigator. "People who do that tend to stay in relationships longer than those who can't or don't."
Playing a key role in this stage are oxytocin, vasopressin and endorphins, which are released when having sex

Working from Home today

So jealous...plus this guy has a dog and a Mac Book..

LEWIS BLACK on BLogging

So the Root of All Evil is an awesome show and last night Patent Oswlad called blogging:
unfiltered brain leakage
and akin to:
electronic poo flinging- only that was an insult to poo flingers because they at least take into consideration the weight and density of the poo before they just fling it. Whereas bloggers just spew their first run thoughts at everyone with no filter and "even something as insignificant as a wedding at least has a rehearsal."

The best was Mr. Black describing blogging as filming yourself in a mirror masterbating so that later you can watch yourself masterbating while looking in a mirror at the film that you filmed of yourself masterbating.



Or something like that. It was hilarious. and Blogging was deemed the root of all evil....





But here are some more masterbatory rafting shots anyway...

The Devil had a spawn..

and she's cute. And he seems happy...

Death by Rafting- or how many lawyers does it take to put up a tent?

So, camping and rafting sounded GREAT - it was so warm and beautiful out- the view from my tent (which still had playa dust all over it- and the distinct Burning Man smell which cannot be described to a layperson) was awesome and it was nice to be out in nature UNTIL NATURE GOT INTO MY LUNGS IN THE FORM OF RIVER WATER and I COULDN'T breath and really, for a brief moment- gave up on life and just let go into the abyss. I had never actually been that scared of dying before- it was interesting and I felt lkike i had been placed in another reality and then coudlnt get back to mine the rest of the day. Either that or I am just still trying to get back to my reality in general.. but wow. Cliff hyped up this garage sale he had seen an ad for on the way and we rallied to a small town and took it over-learned all about blacksmithing from an awesome little lady who I am not sure knows its 2008. The Garage sale was actually a boutiqe shop that had the sign up 365 dyas a year- with awesome fur hats that would probably get you kicked out of any establishment in San FRancisco, and weird stuff like this pin that Virginia purchased for .25 cents and was worth every cent cause it really made my day everytime I looked at it. The fact that the last thing I might have seen before my death was Virgina and a sign that read JACQUES STRAPP would be very telling about my life.

Watching 12 highly educated people attempt to put up a very basic tent was inteerstening- and really everyone just ended up staring at it in awe- while we watched Eliza's buttcrack put it up.

I guess Ben has never noticed I had tattooes and really couldn't get over it at all. He tried to scrape it off several times really concerned that it was permanent -what can I say? we all make bad decisions- some just impact your life more than others... I guess I 'll never be a Kennedy. But we knew that.

moto-rama

so I ran yesterday for the first time in 10 months. I started bawling half way to the ball park. And today I can't walk. I am sure thats not how its suppose to go. tear jerker and paralizer? cool. no.

So last week I saw my new neighbor's motorcycle just laid out in the middle of the driveway all day blocking cars and just sitting there all sad and weird/ I called the landlord and he said she is on vacation. I finally got to talk with her and she said someone cut the chord to her ignition and obviously dropped it while trying to steal it. Great. Ive had my bike parked back there for 4 years with no trouble and miss "SHINY YELLOW LOOK AT !!!!ME LOOK AT ME!!!BIKE" has now drawn attention to the fact bikes are back there. She now has 3 locks a chain and a chord that goes AROUND the tree- and a cover on her bike every night now. I am just banking on the fact that no one will want a bashed up bike.....or nop one reading this thing will know wher eto stela it- but that might be foolish on my part. And we all know what a FOOL I CAN BE...Im thinking of making a very ominous sign that says "IM WATCHING YOU" or " I SEE YOU THIEF" and hanging it above the bikes.

Or would that draw more attention??

nast-o-rama

soo.. ummm.. After the terrible tattoo surgery infection ordeal... I obviously became a funny past time for whomever is in charge of "all thing gross to inflict on a human being's skin" and developed a Nasty staph infection IN THE MIDDLE OF MY FACE... which upset my co-workers (ONE IMPARTICULAR) who some how thought I was maybe going to RUB my face all over their faces- or even their keyborads- or something- and was forced to work from home. Which in my world- even after the umpteenth Dr. visit and watching aliens come out of my face- is actually a small price to pay to be able to wear my pajamas all day and stay in bed- "the best place in the world" according to me.


But Ah... as I was preparing to head for the foreign land I stupidly thought I should visit again (the name I cannot mention for it brings up emotions I am not ready to tap into yet) several people at work uttered, mumbled and downright suggested I get "any available shot that might prevent me form getting whatever said country might have to offer- beacuse if ANYONE WILL GET SOMETHING WEIRD IT WILL BE YOU, CAREY." I, of course, figured I had already suffered more than any human possibly could with skin afflictions this year, and declined. Little did I know the JELLYFISH in Aisa are really into white chics. I now understand the term "crawling out of my skin" as 5 weeks later this is STILL HOW BAD MY LEGS Look:

I was sent an article about how jellyfish are multiplying due to global warming and overfishing with this quote:

Dr. Santiago Nogué, head of the toxicology unit at the largest hospital here, said that although 90 percent of stings healed in a week or two, many people's still hurt and itched for months. He said he was now seeing 20 patients a year whose symptoms did not respond to any treatment at all, sometimes requiring surgery to remove the affected area.

I am, of cours epart of that 10%. And while I only wake up 3 times now during the night instead of 5 to apply anti itch gels, creams and sprays- pop histimine pills and well, basically scratch myself silly and cry myself to sleep, its far from being healed. My new motto is " I WILL DIE ALONE" but even moreso now that I am badly disfigured and in no way will my legs attract any sort of affection from anyone. Not even my Mom wants to look at them. SO here- take a gander.

jellyfish: the gift that really keeps on giving.

One WORD For THIS DRINK: GROSS.

Ok- the request to start this puppy up again from many folks does NOT OBSOLVE YOU FROM CALLING ME- emailing ME or contacting me in person somehow just because you think you know whats going in from reading this nonsense!!!

GOT IT?

So many BBQ's So little time... Sivan basically moved into A TREE House- its RAD! Everyroom including the bathroom has big windows looking into trees- which is great auntil you try and USE THE BATHRoom with 5 dudes standing outside all at eyes view when you sit on the pot...whatever. After Sivan and I finished 4 bottles of champagne and a barrel of blueberries I put in the glass for nutrition- I didn't really care about much.

Bess' BBQ turned out to be a virtual TALENT show with the neighbor making some sort of duck whipped up 3 ways-and PINK- that I blame Krupa for eating...not me....Krupa singing and Erick doing magic tricks- and I am not talking making you rwallet disappear- the dude MADE MONEY FLOAT IN THE AIR in front of our EYES- it was incredible. I am no magician-(other than making men disappear) but I'd say that was pretty hard to do..

Ya Ate sand???

Are we 15 or 35?? other than the tiny booze bottle-its hard to tell. we dress like teenagers. And well, act like ones too.

Did I also mention Marie stuck a metal plate into her arm to screw this nugget into it ?? Yes, we are teenagers.

dirty dirty minnie

This is Franny- the software rep from LA for the case I am working on. She comes up every week to offer us "support" when what I end up making her do is talk about her awesome production company and the stars she knows and make her put her huge earring with seagulls on it in her old nose piercing hole, and reminise about all the dumb stuff we did as teen agers that left us with the ability to stick huge earrings in our noses. What can I say? work is entertaining some days. Or at least I try and make it that way.

We went to Memphis Minnies tonight- a BBQ place that I was (self) inducted "ENFORCER oF THE TABLE RULE" where you cannot stake a claim to a table unless you have ordered- which pissed me of to no end at first when I was the one getting bumped from my seat- but when I won the heart of the chef later on- I quite enjoyed booting people from their tables in the name of dead animals. By doing this- I earned 2 chocolate mousse cakes from a lady that was so grateful I got her a seat that she just stuck 2 entire cakes in my hand. Which was good cause i hadn't gotten camille anything for her birthday. Ben fit into Memphis Minnies as well as a......, well he just didn't. He had the only button down blue shirt on on the block and maybe the whole neighborhood- and frankly, maybe the only full set of teeth in the joint. But it was good. A whole cow and pig later- we stumbled onto Dirty Haight street and remembered- oh yeah, we live in California not the dirty South.

A full list of stuff white people like

Sent to me from my "black friend'so its ok to laugh...

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/full-list-of-stuff-white-people-like/

Now - this is sweet, but come on. I receieved a message from this local gentleman that said " I don't know you - but you are a SHIMMERING STAR!" on my facebook email. Its why I want to take off any public sort of profile that exists- its just too weird. Look at thi sguy- is that a cat? Is that a sweater? is that MARS in the background? AND -It says he dates women. The message was nice- but hmmm.... really?

James wanted to use his new camera so I took him around PO Hill- and to the community garden. We met Tina and Tom- the bee keepers there who were pouring powdered sugar on them to get the mites off the bees that are part of why the populatioin is dying off. It was pretty interesting- and on eof those moments wher eyou think SF is the BEST place on EARTH to live, until you go back to your apartment you can never afford to buy.

ATLAS IN THE HOUSE

Virginia brought her new baby girl ATLAS down to see me and BEss at work- the only sweetness in the day- and frankly- if you are a lezbian I think you can name your girl dog ATLAS- even though its a male God. I mean- everyone knows CAREY is a boys name. and look a me! I sit and beg just fine.

SIGNAGE

OK, so anyone that has read this or received even one email from me knows I cannot SPELL or type or whatever-*BUT* I AM NOT BEING PAID BY THE CITY with huge benefits and a retirement bigger than Texas to GET THE SPELLING RIGHT
Pretty much every part of this made me laugh out loud- how the letters are all jacked up, how its just red or white, and how its fine for $3.50. Err.. I mean $3 50.

The Burger King commercial has a man yelling at his belly "SHUUUUUUUUUT UP!" and then a burger falls from the sky and they say it will shut your bellyup. I don't know- is that what God intened for us to put in our bodies for nourishment? We are awesome- human beings- we are.

Steves baby girl- she is really cute

Here is steve's baby girls pictures- I can't tell if his descriptions are for real- I think he is serious about the tongue and the foot. Which, actually, makes sense his offspring would already be doing this stuff.

In both pictures she is sitting upright looking towards you. In the left picture - look in the center of the picture and you can she one eye socket, her nose and her tongue sticking out. In the right picture - it's the same view, but in this one her leg is sticking up and her foot is in her mouth.

This is by far my favorite thirteen seconds of music ever

TEACHING RESPEC

The New Zealand Herald has published an incredible story about the really innovative and advanced technique the AFL is adopting to help with their lack of respect for the oppostie sex. Apparently this fellow- Wayne Carey-while sculpted and God like- displayed very poor judgment last month with regard to his girlfriend. Hmm.. thats weird. The questions at the end are really the crux of the whole deal. I like the "responsible gambling" that is thrown in, too.

AFL players given lessons in respect
5:00AM Friday February 22, 2008

Do rugby and league players need more respect for women?

An interactive DVD which asks players if they would sleep with their mate's girlfriend is the Australian Football League's (AFL) latest effort to improve player attitudes to women.

The AFL confirmed it is producing the DVD which guides players on how to deal with various scenarios and boost their respect for the opposite sex.
While the answers might appear self explanatory, the AFL is all too aware of its poor public image after a series of alcohol-fuelled incidents, some involving women.

Former AFL superstar Wayne Carey has been the most high-profile in recent months after police were called to his apartment over a domestic dispute with his girlfriend.
AFL communications manager Patrick Keane told the Australian newspaper that the DVD was part of the league's respect and responsibility programme, introduced three years ago.
"The programme deals with a number of things including attitudes to women, racial vilification, illicit drugs and responsible gambling," he said.

High-profile Collingwood club president and TV host Eddie McGuire supported the innovation.
"The point the AFL is trying to make is that young men come into football and they go from the year before not being able to get a date for the social to suddenly half the nightclubs throwing themselves at them."

Spokeswoman Catherine Delore said it was encouraging to see the AFL take a "pro-active" approach.

"SAMPLE QUESTIONS:
* You are called by a mate's girlfriend into her bedroom because she thinks you are her boyfriend. Do you:
a - Go and hop into bed and pretend to be him.
b - Walk away.
* You are with a girl who has had too much to drink. Do you:
a - Get her some water.
b - Call her a taxi.
c - Take her back to your place for sex.
* A mate and his girlfriend are having sex. Do you:
a - Watch.
b - Not watch.

The Princess and the chicadee

I was seriously a dutiful daughter this weekend- made a big lasagna, got a cake, spent the day and even crashed with my MOm on her 63rd birthday. Too bad her twin was only turning 58 according to her Match.com profile. Go figure. Mom was born first, I guess.

Mom's only wish for her birthday was for me to come up and paint with her- which I did, but I dont think she planned on me spending the day crying using an entire tube of black paint for "the Princess of Sorrow" (uh, happy birthday?) I don't really like her- its needs some work and i am impatient. But maybe its that I don't like that it actually does remind me of sorrow and that sucks. Glen gave Mom two chicadees and it was funny to have the Hospice worker from Fiji there looking at them like: "what the hell? you americans are crazy folk" or maybe she just thought we were cheap asses. which is true. and we are.

I don't really need to say any more than this.

Tracey freezing her a*s off..

I am getting emails from Tracey telling me how freaking cold she is in Patagonia- a trip I was seconds away from going on- and considering I cannot stand going from my bed to the kitchen to get coffee in the morning becasue it seems just too damn cold- its probably best I am not hiking in the high cold mountains of South America. Also- the picture of the likes of this guy is also another thing I don't think I could have handled this month.

I made this business card for my Dad- I'm not sure people care if their raw beef font is in cursive or not....

Living In San Francisco E mail style

So in keeping with the spirit of blogging e-mails that I receive here is one in which I participate- and so very glad to be a part of the lezbian community via email. Read from the bottom up.


Carey wrote:
A head the size of a wee satelite.

From: s

Oh, I know.

B wrote:

By "weird" she means completely fu**ing MIND blowing.

On 2/24/08, Carey wrote:

its ALL B- have you SEEN the size of her head and hands?? its weird, really.


From: s

Very impressive. I tip my hat to you.

On 2/24/08, Carey wrote:

XXXXXXXXXL


From: s
I feel really emasculated now.But what size were these blue gloves, huh?

On 2/24/08, B wrote:

jesus christ. i can't even believe we're having this conversation.

s, carey bought me an entire PACK of blue latex gloves. in return, i strapped a giant dildo on for her. she'd never seen one before. it was kind of a glorious moment.
there is no glove for this iron fist.

On 2/24/08, S wrote:

B, do you still have the gloves I bought you? Hopefully not, they were latex.


On 2/23/08, Carey wrote:

DO you still have the gloves I bought you B?

From: b wrote:

I totally forgot that you two have met. That's hot. S, come visit us.

On 2/23/08, S wrote:

Yes, little grasshopper, I see you have learned well. Google is intersex.

On 2/22/08, Carey wrote:

Who is this "Google"? Are they intersex?

On 2/22/08, S wrote:

There is this amazing invention called Google. You may have heard of it.But I digress.

Intersex is someone who is born with indeterminate gender, or physical gender characteristics of both sexes.Transgender is when someone is assigned one gender at birth and later decides that was not the correct gender category for them.

On Fri, Feb 22, 2008 , B wrote:

s,

my friend carey and i have a question for you. well actually, we just have a question, but we thought you might be able to answer it. our law firm is having an event for LGBQTI awareness. We only recently learned that the "I" stands for intersex. But now we're confused about what intersex actually means. How is that different from transgender? i feel like a terrible homo for not knowing, but i am hoping you can enlighten us....

This is EXACTLY What HAPPENED TO ME!

I'm going to continue to copy emails I get from people for the week-considering I haven't much inspiring news lately-and the thing I related to most this week was this sign of being electricuted near the heart....... its pretty great to read other peoples words these days:

so here is another entry not written by me!

c,

I have to admit that I have been really enjoying your blog and frequenting it more than I probably should admit. Your Monday the 11th post is spurring me to, as CHEEZY as it sounds, say that I am really happy that there is a Carey out in the big, crazy world. The world desperately needs you. I need you. I need you in my world even as distant and digital and disconnected as our current connection is. I am sorry you have been doing more than your share of suffering of late, but I have to admit in a sick, selfish way, it is comforting to me in my own challenges. If you can be so amazing and eloquent and funny and raw and cheeky and poignant after your past few months, then I can find strength in your strength. But luckily we have much more than our shared sorrow. Our friendship is built upon a foundation of fun frolics in foreign lands, late nights in dorms, and a future more exciting than our past. Thank you. You help me be excited about tomorrows.

d

WELCOME TO THE WORLD BOONE!

My friend Illya wrote to say Sarah had a baby yesterday- and it literally was almost in the car. Boone Kowalchuk- is gonna have a great life- and being given a name that sounds like a western explorer will only make him tougher, or get him beaten up at jr. high.


"Dear ALL,

We hopped, (not really) into the car, and began our journey to the hospital 15 minutes away. As we drove along, Sarah’s contractions became unbearable. The worse the contractions became, the more lead that found its way into my foot. Speeding down Arapahoe at 65, we turned into Foothills hospital as Sarah screamed, “I want to push.” I proceeded to freak out and say the only thing, (and of course the absolute dumbest thing), I could think of: “Are you alright?” We waddled out of the car and a passerby asked if we needed help. Yup. The nurse came out and asked how far apart Sarah’s contractions were. My response was, “They’re not.” He took off running.

We wheeled a hovering (she would have sat on his head) Sarah into the ER, who then lay down on the nearest bed. The nurse checked her and said, “She’s not going anywhere. She’s having this baby right here.”
I kid you not, two, (yes two), minutes later out came Boone Kowalchuk. February 19th, at 5:26 AM. Love Illya"

V day Youch!

In addition to my new found sweating technique (one which I experience even when I am FREEZING such as right now) I have developed a case of the cry- babies. I thought it might have replaced my case of the crazies- but nope- they have each other's number and just seem to have developed a schedule where they trade off with one another- sometimes one takes the graveyard shift and works overtime. But then in the morning- the other arrives- all fresh and rested- bright and ready for the next days work all like, "HOW CAN I *F* WITH CAREY TODAY?"

The thing about crying is that it just happens just about anywhere at anytime-and people can see it. the crazies are more easily hidden from plain sight. So now I appear even more koo-koo than before- all it takes is a song from the 80's the 90's or- just any song frankly, or someone being nice, or someone being mean, or a parking ticket, or a job offer or anything- I think any sense that my direct immediate reality of living in my grand canyon shaped dented mattress will somehow change or shift even in the slighest way-brings out the salty stuff.

This is definately going to be a bad hair year for me.

I kept it down to 5 weepy moments on stupid V-day- but man they shove that holiday down your throat everywhere- even Walgreens has cheap fake zirconia "show her you love her" jewelry and the coffee shop has some dumb red foil chocolate reminder of sorts- so there is no avoiding it and the result for any broken hearted idiot can only be similar to the grape stomp lady's pain:



Anywho- I thought I had composed myself on the way to dinner until my brother called- who has also developed a case of the cry babies- and well, it just set me off again. I found it very ballsy of the bartender who recognized me from literally a year ago to come to a table of 5 bitter and/or jaded and /or alone and /or pissed off women plus one weird statue of a mexican indian lady who dined with us- and offer chocolate strawberries. It was sweet, but I have the whole "get away from me" thing going on and thus it just brought on another episode of burning eye liquid. We sniffed heart shaped soaps that are physically impossible to actually bathe with- that smelled like my grammas bathroom: roses and baby powder and I re-enacted Valentines commercials that I had seen because apparently you arent suppose to feel sad for JUST ONE DAY- NO- apparently FEBRUARY is THE MONTH of LOVE they tell me....This one commercial had a lady in a flowing gown being shot into the air with her arms up and the word MONOGAMY accross the screen while diamond rings came showering down on her. God- they really are vibing those poor dudes to shell out cash for love symbols- and making a killing in the guilt market. I figure I should be drinking about a gallon of water a day to replininsh the fluids lost out of my arm pits and eyes. yup. thats sounds about right. uh, maybe another glass of H20- here comes another episode...just hook up a garden hose to my mouth.

Korean Beat Down

I have gone beyond hermit into just plain "leave me alone" mode. But its weird- I have never had more people trying to talk to me, meet me or just "want to chat" in my life. I have basically given up on 1. my hair- I wear a hat everyday 2. caring what I wear- I am closer to my novel idea of a New Years resolution about wearing the SAME thing everyday for a year than I though I would ever be and 3. hygeine. (except the wash-n-cry below) I am not sure what about any of this appeals to the general public. maybe a big "F- YOU" sign would help? Honestly- the only warm blooded creature I want near me is Lucy. And after she drools for about 20 minutes I'm done with her too.

I hate being the sad chic-and I pull out some seriously funny self deprecating stand up when I'm out. but I literally googled "the grieving process" to see what stage I am in. Turns out- I even F**cked that up- I'm all out of order- being sad never mad- acceptance before denial- that sort of crap. I can't even get grieving right?? I give up. Maybe people sense I need some extra TLC. I dunno.

Thats where the beat down comes in.

I really gotta stop listening to other people's suggestions about what to do with my free time. Jen suggested a body scrub and massage at the new Korean spa. Sounds pleasant enough right???? I knew I would have to go Commando which is right up there with a root canal- ITS PAINFUL AND I JUST DON'T DO IT... but I really wanted a masage. Being idle really causes muscle soreness.

All I could think of in my head the entire time i was being literally scrubbed within an inch of my life was the Brand Nubian song Punks Jump Up to get beat down- over and over. I am talking seriously being rubbed with a brillo pad for what seemed like hours- watching layers of skin just fall off and not being able to say STOP! because the lady didn't speak any English- and well isn't this what people pay for? But I guess people also pay to eat beef cheeks.

Apparently its "custom" to have the workers wear black lace panties and bras- which just reminded me of the crack workers in New Jack City so they wouldn't steal the drugs in their clothes- the only thing these ladies could steal, however, was my dignity. Which they did. So I had a re-mix of Na na na na New Jack /Punks Jump up to Get Beat Down singing in my head the entire time. I am talking a scrubbing of EVERY corner, crevise and then some of my body- while several other naked victims lay next to you- its not unlike a car wash as they pour huge buckets of water on you and then start over with the scrub- rinse-cry. repeat. Its really good I wasn't in the same naked room as Bess-because I would have lost it altogether-told her to grab the first extra-miniature robe they provide and run for Geary Street- but I could still hear her cries from accross the way. and she is one of the toughest chics I know. No one escapes the beat down. no one.

And then they give you an envelope to tip the torture master. I assume its to thank them that you still have any skin left covering your bones- and that you are walking out alive. kind of.

Raiders of the Lost HOUR AND A HALF OF MY LIFE I CANNOT GET BACK!

So I totally trusted my friend Cliff insisting that we go to the "Raiders of The Lost Ark: an Adaptation" at the SF Indie Film Fest because he makes films for a living- and well, he is just cool. BUT- after getting there I was told this film is a remake of Raiders made by 12 year olds on a beta camera in 1987. I had my suspicions this could be a challenge seeing as how hand held films such as the Blair Witch project make me vomit like Kolsh beer- and also I have developed this new trick of sweating profusely in public even when I am just sitting idly for hours on end.

The film was sold out and all I could find to eat at the Chinese (read: nasty raw stankay meat and fish) store next door was some weird peanut sesame candy that was no doubt made in 1987 , as well. Equipped with my dinner of weirdness- we shuffled into the packed theater. The film started and we laughed for about 3 minues at how terrible the sound was- how bad the filming was- and how 12 year olds re-enacting love scenes is just straight up awkward- when it hit me. I AM STUCK IN A BURNING HOT THEATER WATCHING BAD SHAKY FILMING for an hour and a half!!!!!!! I Started to panic. I sweat some more. I told my friend next to me "I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE" and I coudln't. I had all my motorcyle gear- including my helmet on top of me- I was lietrally in the middle of jam packed rows and there was no way out. I pictured climbing over the hipsters to my left to my right- hitting their bearded hairy faces with my helmet on the way- and it just wasn't happening. I got dizzy- I sweated some more and my friend offered an outstretched hand so I could grip, knead it, grasp it accordingly. that didnt help- all it did was make my hand sweat more. SO I put my head down and proceeded to "watch" the movie with my eyes closed practicing meditating in total discomfort. I do recall they substituted the monkey on the shoulder in the movie with their small terrior dog- which was funny for a minute- but after that the only good thing I recall was that I just lost 5 lbs of water weight in the form of sweat.

Finally- the end.

Oh BUT WAIT! there are 10 minutes of "humorous credits" and OH GOODY! A Q & A Session with the filmakers! YIPPPEEEEEE! 2 more lbs lost.Finally I ran out at the end-
And that peanut candy was disposed of immediately. See what I get for trying to leave my house? Newly found skills in panic attacks. but I do think its important to learn new things throughout your life. When "sister Act 2- Back in HAbit" would have been less nausiating- its time to quit going to the movies.

the big bb

I have become a hermit, antisocial, a recluse. I can only handle a few select people in my life but then when I try to see them I have to deal with the world. I forced myself to go to the annual Strong Beer day which of course was at the pub where I spent my birthday drinking kolsh during sweeter times- so it just didn't sit right. Literally. You see, I have hit a new form of depression- one that has filled my entire body straight up to my neck- and seeing as how alcohol is a depressant- drinking any liquor fills the depression right up to the fill line- fill line overflowing.


In the form of vomit.


But before doing that I exited the building and ran into Byron Brown at a more suiting venue for my angst-Zeitgeist where all bad things come to fruition. I went to 10th grade with Byron briefly in Portland at The Metropolitan Learning Center. Center being the operative word, as Portland was no metropolis in the 80's and there was certainly no learning going on there. It was the school for the "gifted"- meaning kids that cut class on a regular basis. I was so far behind when I got back to boarding school in Colorado that I had to get tutored everyday afterschool. which is not fun when you live in the dorm down the hall from your teachers.


Anyway Byron and I floated down memeory lane and I have been seriously suprised at all the old people coming back into my life considering I spend so much time at my house- IN MY BEd- that there is now a dent in the left side of my mattress the size of the grand canyon. It really is strange how many people are coming back around during my darkest days. saying how much they have missed me. then flipping me off.

Raymond doesnt know he wrote my blog today

I asked Raymond what this picture reminded him of:

"nothing specifically. but it does make me think of all the times i really wanted to say something but then just chose not to. then it reminds me of the times that i did say what i wanted to say and i wish that i hadn't. and finally, it reminds me of the times that i said exactly what i wanted to say, and i'm always thankful that i did.

and of course, it makes me think of all sorts of people in my life who have had the opportunity to say things to me, have wanted to say them, but then felt like their best words were better left unspoken. imagine if everyone found a book like that about themselves. the book would be filled with everything that was thought but left unsaid by all their friends and loved ones."

I prefer friends that just snap my bra in public and keep their yaps shut.

you get what you need

How timely these past few days, to have several people from my past- recent past and long time past- contact me out of the blue-and remind me of the spirit I have, the person I am, that I am one of the few people they have known to impact them in such a way that I did. All are headed into new phases of life, some sad- some excited- some nervous, but its amazing to reconnect with someone whom you had a story in the past to share, and that they haven't forgotten your spirit- and tell you what a light you are in their lives.

I went to see my all time biggest hero last night janeane garofalo- who i have to say is not big at all- I was taken aback by how tiny she has gotten. It was strange that her stand up had a big section about how she is starving herself, how she use to be so fat, even naming a number on the scale and how she has bought into the hype of being thin. I didn't find it funny. I found it funny when she was on the other end saying how f*ct everyne else is that buys into it. I guess your humor depends on the scale sometimes. But, I had a moment of let down- of total dissapointment and sadness that her humor was surrounding the pain and unhealthiness of women in america. But then- I also had a moment of total humaness. Everyone is subject to it- everyone feels it- everyone has their plight their weakness their ideal. My dreams were crazy last night intertwining the many worlds I have been in- and i feel contemplative today. This picture got my camera confascated and my hand slapped BTW- and i Had to "erase it" before I could get my camera back. Did it ot ocur to the bouncer I had probably taken about 20 pictures before they took it away from me? Its a small victory- but I'll take it.

I also feel ridiculous about this- but I'll take any laugh I can get these days-but for some reason I laughed out loud putting on my deodarant this moring. Get it?? makes me want to copywrite.

God, I am in dire need of a laugh apparently.

day

White bulls come in many forms. Often, we hope to pass them by. Even so, a bull – no ordinary bull, but a white one, pure, unsullied, fresh with the dew of heaven – is likely, at one time or another, to step forward, shining, into your life or mine. The bull is the epitome of strength, power, and libido. It offers us drive, direction, and purpose; a burst of new life. And often confusion.
It is also dangerous and frightening; frightening because you have probably never encountered such a wild beast before. Perhaps your life was coasting along swimmingly, fulfilling enough if fairly predictable. And then out of nowhere, in this very moment, something storms into your world that you cannot fail to notice; something strange, fascinating, overwhelming, even. And your comfortable, protecting circle is suddenly broken. Everything is thrown out of kilter, the center does not hold, the dishes are flying about the room.
This, precisely this, is a gift from the gods. A gift, and not the curse we may take it to be. Our life asks us to accept it with as much grace as we are able – as if it were the very thing we would have chosen for ourselves. This kind of wildness storming into our living room could take the form of almost anything – an illness, or loss of a loved one, a spiritual awakening or crisis, a sudden reconfiguring of your work, and of course, the storm of love. Whatever breaks open the soul, pierces the lull of the daily round, is always a dangerous opportunity.

One of my oldest friends Britt- from high school in Little Rock of all places- had a daughter early on and named her Day. She sent me this picture of her yestreday and I can't help but stare a her- the image so familliar- just like her Mama whom I have one of those life long affections and connection to no matter how long its been since I've seen her.Day was the white bull for britt- and reminds me that life if full of opportunity, and it has blessings all over the place.

Jean, Jesus and weiner poopie

people are. weird. and bored.

http://www.thijsverbeek.nl/index5.html

my two favorites-finally together

I've been hiding at my Moms all week. Something about hibernating in the rain at your mommy's house just feels better than anything. I went with her to the studio and painted. I forgot how much I like drawing and I am going to try and do it more. I will no doubt have some heart refernce involved in every picture for awhile- but its good therapy. I'm going to my guitar class tomorrow too- we'll see if somehow my fingers stretch to be able to make the chords I could never do before. I'm sure they do now.

I went to the motorcycle shop and surveyed the damage on my bike. It will be scary to get back on- but the sooner i do so- I think the better. That is- when the exhaust pipe is welded back on!!!

are you f***ing kidding me?

Dear God,

I spose at this point nothing shocks me, and there is nothing I cant handle- but TWO flat tires in one week after the month I've had? God??are you there? what are you doing with me? seriously.

Sincerely,

Carey

Lucky ocho- or.... SO FAR 2008 BLOWS!

so, after suffering what felt like someone pulling my heart out through my nose with tweezers, sending it through a paper shredder, pouring lemon juice on it, and then huge grains of sea salt, and jumping up and down on it- I tried to just get up and shower daily. Which I couldn't do. I couldn't even get up, and what's the point of showering when you aren't going anywhere anyway? I now drag the shreds around behind me, with a rope, and although it shows to the world when I am in public and its open for the cold- I guess I have to do it. I tried to piece together my mind, my life, my career, but things felt like I was basically driving 65 mph on the freeway and then throwing it into reverse all of a sudden. The vehicle is bound to malfunction. I guess thats why I ignored the fevers I was having, the tiredness and the burning hot sensation of my new tattoo for so long. It just seemed normal I would be sick since I wasn't eating or sleeping anyway. I took antibiotics and prayed it would go away. It just got bigger. And Hotter. and more painful. My arm swelled and looked like someone had lodged a golf ball under the skin and felt just as hard- and I finally coudln't stand the pain nor could I drive so I had to call my Mommy. Little did I know the Doctor would have to SLICE my entire arm open, cutting in far and wide and drain the thing in what was the most physical painful event of my life. I cried real tears. Whats weird- is the physical pain somehow relieved the constant crippling anxiety I had been feeling- if just briefly, and was a sort of relief. Sick? yes. True? yes. I have learned a new term called "PACKING THE WOUND" in which I have had to go back every 2-3 days and have gauze shoved into the wound with a pair of metal scissors to keep it open and let it heal from the inside out. This hurts worse than it being cut open. Heal from the inside. Which is what I guess everyone needs to do. A metaphor for all healing I spose- which reminds me that I haven't wanted to booze or eat or do any of the things that might normally mask the pain- which has been good I suppose- and painful- but I can't even keep my pants up without a belt anymore. People say how good you look when you are thin- even of you are a spiritual wreck, when its only due to the massive amount of pain that lingers for so long that it reflects in your weight. fuct.
But I am so thankful for the rotation of friends that have been on "carey patrol" late into the night so I don't have to be alone with my own thoughts and go the "the bad place" for too long. SO I walk around with my heart- and literally a bloody bandage hanging out of my body. It looks like the lady has a brain tumor, really.

I thought things couldn't get much worse- and maybe they were on the upswing when I got my old job back- not that I could even stand getting out of bed- but since I HAD To- I did. but on day two of riding to work- I had my first motorcycle accident EVER. I totalled my bike- pieces of it flew off and were all over the road. So was I. Thankfully several men witnessed it and came and picked me up, moved my bike and called the necessary people. I Landed on my freshly packed arm-breaking it open and bleeding- and I think I am still in shock. I certainly can't walk very well, and one knee was the size of a grapefruit with gravel embedded in it, and the other is now the color of the night sky. I don't know what to make of all of it. except- yup- so far 2008 BLOWS.


and I had such high hopes. I guess I got nowhere to go but up.

oh yeah check it!

the orchid is blooming all the way live! yeah!

oh geez another sagitarious birthday

happy birthday to Boris- by far the second best gift was the hand made penis lollipops which he double fisted immediately and fake inserted one in his rectum upon receiving the gift, I'm just saying he seemed a little too comfortable with it. This was only second best to my gift of Boones farm srawberry hill- i wanted to remeniss about age 15-- you know 20 years ago....

The "reindeerPoo" dessert was a hit for sure and no one even flinched when I said "REINdeer poo eating time" in fact they joined in for a dramatic photo shoot.I likws the placing of the deer poo on th e fur

wine cozy- I think its a nice juxtopisition of poo vs. animal. or poo with animal . or just poo.

Only Mod vespa boys drive over in the pouring rain in white pants on their scooters show up soakig wet and then cant understand why their white pants might be a bit dirty. I on the other hand got squirted HARD by Boris with a water bottle in the back in an attempt to have a wet t-short contest and complained of being soaking wet while only hanging inside and NOT riding a moped over to the house at all. I had to lay by the fire and was inflicted by the horrible "cleaning log" that filled the room with vapours and smoke while I dired the back of my shirt. HINT wet t shirt contests involve the FRONT of the shirt Boris. That must be how they do it in Prague or something.



the most uncomfortable yet possibly funny part OF THE EVENING WAS THE FREAKING MAGICIAN VAL HIRED. I talked about creeper mcreeperson- well NOTHING COM{ARED TO THIS DUDE> he alienated the entire party- no one could even go near him and lets just say you had to pretend you had an emergency call from Gramma when he was trying to talk with you. He was high as a mutha and incoherient-with a dash of social retardedness and he hit on every girl there and basically even the small children feared him . At one point a group entered the living room and formed a tight circle of trust in which no one was to allow the magician inside. THIS IS WHEN i REALIZED EVEN THE MEN FEARED HIM . He was good though- his calling card kept appearing in all my pocktes throughout the night somehow. Like MAGIC> Magic- here is the circle- inpenetrable if you had a trick up your sleeve. We had to make a toght bubble of safetey from him. He sure captivated a room. right into a safety bubble. ridiculous. Seriously your guests shouldn't fear the hired help/ they just shouldnt.

MAGICIAN WITH POLKA DOT TIE scaring Marie and trying to show his rudolph the rednose to us. RUN FOREST RUN!

My favorite person and date for the evening : THE LIONESS OF NAZARETH- or the 2 year old blonde I picked up. I love her. She loved Marie.I loved her more. I couldn't win. She was obsessed with MArie and wanted her to dance with her dad. poor girl. MArie doesnt want you or any kid. Sorry babe. but I love you. I do. You could lion growl all the way to my heart and my house anytime. She had the lion noise and face down. a girl after my own heart, RARRRRRRRRRRR

R!!!!!!!!!the evening ended with Claire passed out and MArie inviting me home with her in front of everyine- which only added to everyone thinking we are lezbians- no matter how long I grow my hair or how sweet I act Im always the lezbian at the party. oh well . rarrr.

I also caught Geoff twirling his new mustache throughout the night. remind me to get him some mustache wax. fo sho.

creepy creeperson

I forgot to post Bobo's creepy as hell HAlloween costume- It just gave you the pedofile stoner feeling everytime you looked at him- and the tight pants weren't helping. truly.

All that was missing was a van with no windows.

old

Scotty took me to Maverick for my birthday and we suffered the dinner with the waiter I accidentally insulted last time we were there watching me intently all night. I told him he was skinny- and well, he was a hipster so I thought it was a compliment- dudes seem to have super tight pants on and wanna be all little- he flew into an insulted rage and I had to apologize. that was awhile ago and he most definately has not forgotten it...AT ALL.. ooooops. me and my mouth. im just jeaous. speaking of skinny.....

it was really nice to have a few peeps acknowledge my birthday a week in advance knowing no one will be around next week- of course leave it to steve to "acknowledge" my birthday by puking all over the bathroom door and leave early in the morning. poor guy. the law conference he went to at 8 am had to be AWESOME for him . all night I coudln't get over how skinny he has gotten-lost about 50 pounds he says- and low and behold- the old skinny bones can't handle his liquor no more. Mike, of course, handled his just fine, as he seems to have pumped up into some sort of bulked up weightlifter or something. The evening was complete with steve sharing the old "mike in mexico with a transvestite on accident" story- which makes any evening better.

Sivan went out of her way and made a salami cake for me- knowing I like meat and not cake. She obviously hasnt heard of meat cake yet. Its funny when worlds collide- especially when your friends are on opposite sides of most legal cases- add a few drinks, and BAM! you got instant entertainment. Poor Sean- listening to legal BS all night. He's a trooper. JZ sweetly got me the perfume I have been coveting of hers- and Mike said I smelled like a cheap Paris hooker. How does he know anyway- he can't even tell a man from a woman ?

and I think I like being old. its awesome. for real. life is fine. friends are good and we still went up in the attic ,blared the stereo and spun around on a lazy susan all night... old? i think not.

fire ass

anthony has really made little- if any impact at all on my house or life in staying here. He leaves a yoplait yogurt or two in the fridge, and I hear him get his izod new-color-or-the-day shirt from the wire hanger in the closet next to my bedroom- BUT... I don't normally EVER look- let alone DIG in the trash can but When i opened it i didnt recognize the flame fabric that was laying on the bottom. Upon investigating further, it appears ol' Tony was done with this pair of underwear for some reason. Prolly cause flames hurt yer butt.But they looked perfectly acceptable to me.

f****in Elfin

some fool i love sent me this- and I will admit- I think I just laughed out loud. We arent in sync- but its cool.

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1349002442

time

you would think with all the time in the world i'd be writing up a storm on this sucker- but nah- just the opposite. Too much time makes you crazy. Certifiably CCCCCCC-ARAZY. Anthony has been staying with me, although I haven't seen him in weeks- but last time I did he was hopping on my bike sporting this gem: Uh.. guy, thats a motorcycle helmet that is so poorly designed

anyone who dons it looks like a fat head- and YOU LOOK LIKE A TOOL!!! His explanation was that he doesnt really know anyone in this city so its ok. NO, No its not ok to wear that around
anthony, and here is why:

JZ and I went to the beach the other day and found what appeared to be 20000000 loads of laundry soap washed up on shore- I am not sure, and I certainly didn't get an "A" in ALL my biology classes, but it just didn't seem right to have all tempature-CHEER suds in a natural setting. ANd call me crazy but wasn't there just a huge oil spill with millions of gallons not weeks ago that ruined the entire Bay water for fishing and swimming and killed a bunch of stuff? oh oh oh, thats right its ALL OK NOW according to the news station EVERYNIGHT PUCHING CRAB SEASON- we can GO AHEAD AND EAT ALL THE FISH and CRABS we want because in a matter of ONE day things were poison- but then the next day THEY WERENT. GOt it. Crab salad all around. or oyster shooters. or fish- kabobs. or oil smeared sea birds. yeah. EAT UP.

A certain boy from the NW came to visit and upon noticing a certain devious look about him - (which is hard to tell becasue its also similar to his general malaise look) I saw the art installation he had procured on my window. It was kind of amazing how long it stayed there- and I beleive if a 20 minute hot shower hadn't steamed up the window it might still be there. wow. fuckin' artsy. yes, we BOTH have too much time on our hands.

I NEED A $4,000 ROOT CANAL.

smoke up johhny

I like to make people that don't smoke at all- EVER -live to race bicycles and are in training to come smoke hookas for 4 hours on a Sunday when they have to get up for work in the morning. I think its really good to strengthen their lungs and make them stronger and tougher out there on the road. I laso like to scare people that are layingdown in public restaraunts that I am the couch police and i will be writing them a ticket that can be paid in wine. try it, it works.

grass, man.

Mama-san had another art opening and she got the whole front window and main entrance for her stuff. It was great- I guess she's a full blown artist now and not a"business lady." Sounds damn good to me, man. She paints mostly scenes from around her house- so she's got a helluva lot of brown grass paintings- I think she should go up to the Northwest and paint some greenery soon. in the pouring rain and cold. errrr.. or not.

We went to "shady night out" for shelly's going away dinner and sat in the back booth of the seedy Mission Mexican restaurant. and hid our faces. We were hilarious. Or we had just had 3 pitchers of margaritas. not sure.

to crap or shit?

We had to make ads for Blogger.com and

I think this is the most AWESOME feed back I have ever gotten in school- highschool, college, and law school all combined. My teacher crossing out the word shit, and writing crap instead. I think its framable-or at least shallackable and shit.

poop -o -rama

Having Shelly stay here the past few weeks has been interesting. First, you sometimes get to text her in the night at around 3:30 am and tell her to shut up, which I love. This is the EXACT position she is always in on the bed with her phone all crammed up in her ear even though she is yelling. She finally admitted she may have a hearing problem last night. (THEN NEXT is getting that checked out, cuz) Second, you walk into your living room and find things like A DEAD CAT on your table. (she says its some weird wig thing- but please- it feels just TOO soft to be not real) and Third and BEST - I am changing Shelly's name. Her new name is "SALLY the clumsy BREAKING everything IN MY HOUSE Girl." Last time around- as you recall, she broke the chord to the attic- stopped the kitchen sink up with GNaRLY black stuff flying all over and and and and..... SO I go in the guest bathroom she is now occupying and I GET TO PLUNGE SALLY's SHIT from the toilet that wont flush and is almost about to run over the top into the living room! NOW, I have seen ol' Sally at her worst- was there for the first tampon, first sexual encounter (sorry gramma) and a lot of stuff I won't even BEGIN to write on here- but I thought those days were over- and I don't care how close you are with someone- you just don't want to see their shit that close up. at all. ever. everevereveverervervevrervevrevrevrevreverververevrevrevrevrevrevrevrevrerever.

I will spare you a Photo.

So Sally, when you leave this weekend for greener NYC pastures, please make sure all the plumbing is ok before you go. and I will miss you . and your shit. still.

We spent some quality time last night checking out he casual encounters on craigslist which consists of some extremely frightening sexually frustrated men who ALL Swear they don't want anything but to pleasure a woman. NOW. NOW DAMMIT CALL ME NOW> sketch. It reeked of desperation- but then again so does 2 cousins sitting at home reading casual encounters on craigslist.

I am VERY pleased to announce I may have a green thumb. The orchid seems to be coming back despite everyone's advise to throw it away. Everything just needs love. and water. and a super expensive apartment with 280 degree views and Huge windows to grow in.

steak haven!

There is ONLY ONE thing that I would drive to the outer richmond in the fog and sit and be surrounded by TVs playing (blech!) football- and THATS STEAK! The chris's called and told me I wouldn't regret it- and it was true. It was so damn good I couldn't believe. And who woulda guessed Hockey Haven would have the best steak Ive had in years- they dont even normally make food there (well they dont have hockey either go figure- and its FAR from a haven) Its a special monday night deal during football season and its in limited quantities. Chris #3 almost missed out by showing up 5 minutes after us - and Chris #4 ended up only getting my leftovers and 2 really overbaked potatos they scraped up for him. And this was at 7:30 pm, they were already cleaned out. All i remember eating at Hockey haven was some stale ass popcorn there about 7 years ago when I was last here. Man that steak was good. Ill have to keep track of the football schedule more often.

hardly strictly blue grass- and a green lake

what a difference a day makes- or just being in the day time or just being with music you like that isn't meant to take you spiraling down into your black eyeliner. The blue grass fest was great-an incredible offering of free music. It was a super nice day out- peaceful people and I ran into the best of the best of em. I was randomly taking a shot of the crowd and little did i know I was actully capturing Tracy and Joel out of thousands of people! My ET powers are really becoming amazing. I am skilled. I am blessed. I am incredible. Or it was dumb luck and the odds that I have friends that like the same music as me is pretty good. I am going with the "I am incredible story."

I hadn't seen Tracy since she MADE Me take my clothes off in front of thousands of people at burning man- and I had yet to show her my scars from the event as she left WHEN THE SMART PEOPLE LEFT. I knew she would get a good (HYSTERICAL ) laugh out of it- and again, I am glad my suffering brings so much joy to others. I was pretty happy that we both had our clothes on, and that we weren't looking at each other through white dust and goggles this time around. She will be so pleased to know I accidentally (are there any accidents in life, carey. really?)got the lipstick lezbians in the back of this shot of Pete- funny how we BOTH noticed them and didn't bring it up until an hour later. I mean, you just don't see that kind of couple very often around here. or anywhere. We are just sensitive to it because for some reason when we hold hands and I have a plaid shirt on- men seem to stare uninterrupted as if intrigued by our lover status. hmm. Rebecca and charlie were trying to avoid the sun like the plague- and this is honestly the only time I saw him without his coat over his head the whole time. How ya gonna hear honkey tonk with a wool coat over yer head?

I forgot to tell Corey that his huge chops are hot- and that massive choppers have always made me weak in the knees. So, corey- your facial hair makes me weak in the knees. But I still kicked your ass at ping pong.nice try.

I had a private sentimental moment when I was walking back to my bike when coming upon this lake. It was green and beautiful. It makes it hard to imagine moving away from this place ever. Then i think about my F**********CKING rent and hey- whats a green lake or two? fukit.

276 ahead

SO I swore off huge music venues a long time ago- but Carlee had VIP passes to The Downlaod fest- and well - I LOVE BEING A VIP and I love free shit- so why not? I calculated how much we saved by getting free booze and food- and at $9 a glass- when I ordered 3 glasses at a time and put them in a tumbler- got endless plates of food and brought them out to the "average folk" I'd say all in all I made $276 on the deal. FIl and I went on stage to watch- and it took some weird fraternity type hand shake and the threat from a guy with the biggest afro I have ever seen that "you can never leave once you are back here" - it was a little freaky. I have never been a huge Cure fan- and I felt like some of the people in the audience who paid $80 and were actually CRYING at the site of them deserved to be in my shoes.

I just laughed at the notion of me smoking a clove and waiting for the Cure to come on- like I was 14- NOT 34.

i was never the brooding dark cure type that was sad- I was always the more agry punk rock teen- and the angry adult now.

Saturday ,October whatever it is

I opened the paper this morning and found THE smog and THE pixies in it.

THE quince

SO I did not leave the house ALL DAY wednesday- not even down the steps to get my mail. I felt like this angora rabbit-too obvious for words, hiding and pissy. After having 7 house guests these last few weeks- most of them LARGE MEN with BIG appetites- I surveyed the kitchen and determined my existence for the next 38 hours would be known as













SURVIVOR: POTRERO HILL. I had 1. a bag of turkey jerkey (fulfilling my YEARLY intake of soduim and nitrates- i had to quit when I felt the blood in my neck boiling and my fingers became the size of Adell's sausages) 2. One egg (protein- which is almost like eating AIR after you scramble ONE all by itself) 3. Oatmeal with dried bluberries ( fulfilling the YUK! factor for the year) Then there was nothing.

Except for some QUINCE shelly bought last month. I have no odea what it is, what to do with it, and i was pretty sure I would rather die on the island than eat it.

Which forced me to go to the grocery store yesterday. I was still in total antisocial mode- and wore my iPod during the shopping spree which just INVITED EVERY PERSON IN THE STORE TO TALK TO ME> I swear,no one ever talks to me. If ever there was a girl who had more " You are super intimidating" quotes under her belt- i would like to meet her cause she is probably related to, and looks like, Mr T. But I had the huge guy in the wheel chair ask for me to get a Mountain Dew and a snickers bar for him (I almost started the lecture on bad food choices but I'm sure that chair rolling over a toe would do some permanent damage) - the guy in the wine isle tell me about the Bev Mo 5 cent sale ( uh , yeah, you mean the swill they wipe out of the bottom of the barrel they were just going to throw away from the GOOD stuff?) the fruit guy telling me Grapples are delicious ( ok I bought some and they are- but they are actually artificially FLAVORED GRAPE injected apples- i might as well eat a JuJu fruit. ) and the guy I see at the gym saying " hey its you! I didnt recognize you out in public!" (Dont think I wont PUNCH you because we are in public guy) all if this, of course, forcing me to take my earbuds out and say "WHAT??" each time. I shoulda stayed home and eaten quince.



Speaking of the gym I forced myself to run today and it was the first time i have honestly done a running meditation. I wasn't feeling a thing- not energized or hot or tired or anything for 45 minutes. It could have been the Hindu chants I was listening to, but I think it was becasue I was running next to the walking dead. I mean, good for them for getting to the gym- but the guy next to me looked like he hadnt left his couch since 1985, and the lady on my right seemed utterly depressed and was walking at the speed of marshmallow cream. I usually look for people to run next to that I can suck energy from- but I got more from my half empty ( no not half full this is ME you are talking about) water bottle with lip gloss all over it that I found in the backseat of my hot car than these drones.

I figured out even in my antisocial state- I can hang out with certain people. Raymond is one of them. We went to "our restaraunt" and he ordered: "our favorite dinner" he then took a photo of the sangria we were drinking and i realized he was sending a text of OUR PLACE To another woman no doubt. WHAT???? I then realized he sent ME a picture text of our second favorite restaraunt while he was with another woman last week. What a restaraunt whore. Is nothing sacred? Plantains and curried shrimp mean nothing to you? maybe I should stick to the definition of antisocial. ANTI social.


C: You wanna see Bill Callahan with me sunday?


R: You mean Smog?


C: No, he doesnt go by the Smog anymore.


R: WHAT?? THE smog? its just SMOG you idiot! THE SMOG?? !!AHAHHAHAAH You Dork.


C: I know its SMOG Raymond. But I am sure you are one of those fools who always said THE PIXIES when its just PIXIES.


R: no I didn't EVER. AHAHAHHA..... THE smog.... AHAHAHA!


C: Fine I'm going without you - and you are THE Asshole.


But thanks Raymond, for fixing my computer, so it doesnt send innapropriate emails in triplet to everyone I know while I am sleeping anymore.

IM IN LOVE

and his name is HOUSE MD- I that strange? I really don't care about any tv shows at all- but I noticed I looked at the time and wanted to leave to go watch it tonight. Why do I love the most emotionally unavailable smartass- makes- fun of- everyone and doesn't follow -the- rules character on tv? hmm. wonder why Im single.

• ok. i have gotten some flack about not REALLY SHOWING What went on at burningman- here- here is as best I can give you on the internets.... the tubes just couldn't handle the rest.









• Went to drinks tonight with Mark and its hard to tell what the rif raff on his fingers spell until you ask him- its kinda cool, actually. I need some of that. Actually, I need a lot of it cause Im no MD that people respect- Im just an emotionally unavailable smartass that insults everybody in real life. I don't just play one on tv.

ummm. shower ? i feel dirty

The Hubbys were in town- and this is what I woke up to in my kitchen the morning after going to sleep at 5 am- I also witnessed some of the most disturbing things i have ever seen in my life at the Folsom Street fair- I feel compelled to save you precious readers from it- but I also feel a sense of resposibility to show you what your options are in life- if you so choose and if you weren't aware. I always made fun of the piss tasting booth- but apparently its an actual real live show there- and BOY did I get a golden shower viewing. wow. Carsten was holding this MASSIVE THING and about 3 men commented on it syaing "make it dissapear" thats when I dissapeared. Fast. (am I even ALLOWED to publish this on here?)Burning man aint got nuthin on this place. This guy is a super famous gay porn star that apparently everyone LOVES_ I have to admit he was pretty surreal - Like milking a porcupine might be. I don't think he is really gay- I think he wanted me. All the videos of him in the back doing crazy stuff with men weren't really real. were they?

crappy kickin

After winning last year's Kickball championships- which proves we rock_ I think the only explanation to us losing 2 games and being eliminated in the first round was the fiasco of having to drive to 3 venues because of poor government planning before the game even started and being thrown off our game by fighting traffic. That is CLEARLY the only explanation. I wasn't about to be peer pressured into shot gunning a bud lite- even though people expected it. Molly was pissed, and even the mascot looked hung over after only an hour of being out there. Everything was off kilter- even the BBQ was weird -as no one brought hamburger MEAT to cook- and when I found the dog sitting on the lettuce- I gave up completely and just ate Doritos. It was a beautiful day anyway- and losing didnt stop us from staying out all night and talking massive shyte.

get in line ladies

SO I have been doing a little bit of research on the dating topic of DORKS WHO GET LAID! and it seems to just be the way it is. Yes I am going to go ahead and just say THERE ARE DORKS Out there- don't get all, "well carey, whats a dork, anyway? who is a dork? you judgmental bitch" you all know what a dork is. I thought it was San Francisco specefic- meaning- that there are just an abnormally high amount of straight pretty single women here for the abnormally low amount of straight men here- so that every overweight, balding, jobless goofball has not only a girlfriend- but old girlfriends- 3 new girls and one in the works all after his jock. And he juggles them all at once. I wouldn't dare say this if I hadn't in fact experienced this myself for the last 2 years and had endless conversations with women here that experience the same thing. YES! LADIES GET IN LINE FOR YOUR DORK NOW! and in addition- compete with girls 10 years younger than you- cause guess what??? men in their 30's seem to like 'em fresh out of college. Anywho- upon travelling to P town a few weeks ago I witnessed this same phenomenon at a house party- where THIS GUY - made out with not one, or two, but THREE fairly hot chics throughout the night. TOOTHLESS! did you hear me? TOOTHLESS MUTHA*ucker! I asked him about it and he said, "yeah man- chics dig me- Im getting back at all the ladies that rejected me in my 20's- I don't know whats happened but I have my pick of the litter everywhere I go." Now I am not saying I really care that much about what someone looks like- hey Ive dated my share of weirdos- and im no supermodel myself. but come on? GO TO A DENTIST at least.
WHAT??????? What has happened? honestly- have the tables turned? are men in control of sex now? I thought women carried those keys.
Why do I feel like Carrie F*cking Bradshaw right now asking lame unanswerable sex questions to my keyboard?
whatever the answer is- it blows. and sucks. it blows and sucks. but hey- good for the dorks.

amped

SOOOO.... this was the box that I saw by the garbage this morning. Awesome a NEW AMP! JUST WHAT I WANTED! thanks santa! This would explain the new and improved annoyingness of the electric guitar and possible keyboard as the box says. It also has a 5 year warranty- great. So, if they BLOW it out, by playing it above any human beings tolerance level at 3 am on a Wednesday night, they can get a NEW ONE> This is really great news. Kind of like finding out you have cancer.

So I am back at the office. and by office I mean 876 really weird cubicles filled with even weirder things. There is this higher-archy in all firms that lawyers get the outskirts of the building with the windows-and in my case stellar views of the Bay- and all support staff have tiny cubicles in the ineterior where the only light they get is yellowish fleorescent I THINK YOU HAVE JAUNDICE looking light. So - even if a secretary is here for 40 years - all she gets is a tiny 4 x4 space to decorate and grow old and die in. and man do they decorate. There is always the "collector of stuff" on every floor so that the cubicle is SO FULL OF CRAP you wonder if they can actually work. Then there is the rubber duckey sort of collector- a specific item that they have begun to attach to and surround themselves with. Like marys or pigs but in a much smaller space. Then there is just PLAIN WEIRD AS HELL stuff like- posters about being the meat in a caregiving sandwich? I am not even sure what that means- but it sounds perverted. and at best, really creepy.

shit

i am about to be anialated at art school tomorrow night for my 12 ads I have produced. too bad I cant upload them for you to mock , as well.

stir it up AGAIN

saturday night in bed at 1 am-dad and brother sleeping- i know 8 am will come soon as my dads time difference will wake me up- electric guitar starts up. Sunday night 10:30 pm bedtime- starting new job at firm in morning know I will have boring as hell training and nice-y-ties with new boss to exchange- electric guitar starts up. Monday 5:30 return from work dead tired can;t wait to kick my dogs up- electric guitar strats up. Monday 7 pm lobotomy to be able to live here anymore.

I have now used the F word with reference to my neighbor more times than all three seasons of Deadwood altogether- which is reportedly 2, 980 times.

oh my god bill i am soooooo soooorrryy!

De Young Museum- so you don't have to

My dad is visiting from Austin- and what else do you do with yer dad but take him to the arbiritum and the museum? Well, I passed some families in North Beach getting wasted together- but mine doesn't drink, so go figure- we have to be all artsy and cultured instead of drink til we puke puke, get all sentimental and talk about how much we miss uncle so-and-so. I did get a pic of him feeding the meter in front of The Hustler Club- good blackmale stuff for when I am strapped for cash. I seriously can't even joke about that without cringing. ewww. but its staying on here nonetheless. was taking fotos all day and some huge Pakastani art museum police (why, carey, is he your PAKISTANI art police? hmm? why isnt he just THE museum police? hmm? racist! no- its why I couldn't understand him read forward.) laid into me about not using a flash. I didn't know what he was saying for about a minute so I started to erase all my fotos thinking i couldnt even take any at all. then i got it when he did a hand motion like a BURST OF LIGHT! in my face. Only directly after I though he was making a fast motion to take my camera from me. paranoid much? I then noticed- through out the day- he was in every corner of the room I was in. He made it his personal mission to follow me and make sure I WOULD NOT DESTROY THE ART BY THE HARSHNESS OF MY FLASH FROM MY TINY CAMERA THATS NAMED ELPH. You know, as in elf- the tiniest most harmless creature of them all. The ol' upside down dog trick. Do NOT try this at home with scruffy. This was super weird- a fireplace mantel carved with fighting animals of all sorts and a super pissed off deer head at the top. That will make you slumber in sweet sweet harmony when falling asleep beside the fire to viciousness in wood form.

This is sort of how I felt last week- a broken woman. Pieces of me missing- while tryng to still get dressed in my hat and matching belt everyday trying to play it off like a normal human being.

It was really weird the angry man in a suit- actually has a very sad beaten down shadow. How I imagine my old boss really feels inside. Unless he is a "hollow devil with the darkness and fire of hell inside"- as my secretary use to say.

being neighborly

I hate my neighbors. I really do. There are like 10 boys down there that don't work. or have any day time work of any sort. For 3 years now. Unless you call smoking and making calls on your cel phone work . If i didnt have floors like RICE PAPER it may not be so bad. But I can hear every single noise that comes from down there. And i mean EVERY NOISE. Do I need to get into it in detail? Right now I am listening to the WORST rendition of "stir it up" with electric guitar. Neighbor- you are not a rock star. AT ALL . You are not in tune, you do not know all the lyrics, and you are most definately.. DEFINATELY not Jamaician by any stretch. You are a whitey from middle america living on a trust fund THAT I PRAY WILL RUN OUT SOON. And the repetition of the same bad 3 lines you know does not fill an entire song list for the fools that have bothered to come over and listen to you "shout sing" no matter how many times you play it. Go away. Stop bringing the bar home with you on wednesday nights at 3 am- they are not your friends they are drunk and they cant seem to figure out that MY front door is not YOUR SIDE door- or did you fail to tell them that when the bouncer was kicking you out? and take out the trash for once, too.

(yes these are blue humping monkeys in the background. so?)

happy birthday JZ , sorry i suck

I offered to throw JZ a party at my house - and this is what happened: 1. I went to the store and thought I got what we needed. Shelly and her bawked and went to the store and bought 100 more things 2. JZ cooked her entire birthday meal herself exept the garlic bread which I left in the oven for 2 hours (JZ turned it off after 30 minutes and saved it i didnt know) 3. I found out I don't own napkins of any sort 4. Charlie had to bring chairs and a pan to boil water in 5. Jarmilka brought an awesome cake 6. I provided a great view. Wait- hey - I cleaned up until midnight- that has to count for something. sorry JZ ,I suck. Im not really a good entertainer- but we already knew this. Except the stand up - sit-down comedy relief I offer. Its the thought that counts right ?

this is my copywriting teacher- i was worried what he thought about me??

weird

Is it weird to take pictures of yourself in all the beds you sleep in on a trip? maybe.

I forgot to give props to my lady Big-E (because she delivered the night i hit ROCK BOTTOM and I couldn't think of anything but my impending spiral into hell but now I am much better and can think clearly ) making me this GORGEOUS piece of art work that holds a MAry statue. I love it. It rocks. But I think i have NOW OFFICIALLY hit the maximum allotted Mary's in my house- its starting to seem a little creepy- like those figurines of pigs you see in old people's houses- and every room you walk into is just COVERED in pigs of sorts- stuffed animals- plastic- pictures- and you know somewhere along the line they ended their love affair with pigs- but everyone just thought they still loved them and gave them as Christmas and Birthday gifts every year- and then there was no stopping the pig. and...

people that don't know me well come to my house and think I am a religious freak. Which, if I didn't start to feel better soon- I may have leaned toward in my weakened state. BUt I think I am ok now- and will stick with the generally weird inexplicable Mary obsession I have making me just a freak with no focus. Thank you Eilish.
I dated a guy who was really into speed humping. His name was Tyler. I hadn't thought if him in years until the story came up again against my will at Cricket Cafe. THen I saw this sign and recalled the uncomfortableness of it all. I think they call it P.E. and I don't mean Public Enemy. Although its my personal enemy.

I saw this somwhere in central Oregon on the back of a mini van driven by a very heavy smoking angry sort of woman. I hope- dear God- if I ever become this jaded, dissatisfied, bored or generally MEAN- I will off myself. For the good of mankind and my poor husband.

portland redux

Dezmund was "grounded" which means no tv or sugar for him. But that didnt mean NOT taking Aunt Carey to the store and conning her in to buying some crazy 30 piece army set with motorcycle, gas masks and GUN STORAGE UNIT. SO sweet. so pure. so innocent. SO INTO DESTROYING THE HELLL OUT OF STUFF>
I love Dez. I can't help it. and

I love Portland. I can't help that either. I love the people. the coffee. the smallness. the tight jeans. the skinny boys in tight jeans. the skinny boys in tight jeans with the dyed black hair. the skinny boys in tight jeans with dyed black hair with coffee and bad tattoos. the many many many many hipters with kids. the rain that makes you want to pull your eyes out with a coat hanger through your nose. love it. We posed like jackasses for what seemed like hours as the entire restaraunt watched. Afterward - the woman who took this proclaimed : "Im a photographer!" uh, you are? you had me crunch up all up in Eilish's rump as if Lincoln had two wives and then had Dennis no where near Rebecca as your composition? and had us stand there forEVER while you tried to PUSH AN AUTOMATIC CAMERA BUTTON 5 times and couldnt do it?? really?? really do you do photography for santa and his helpers AT THE beaverton mall???

I have been up north 3 times this summer- its rained everytime even tho summer is SUPPOSE to give the moisture ridden damp- to- their bones -live- in a- spore ridden city- dwellers with pale ass skin and a severe lack of vitamin D certain hope for a few weeks to make it for the next 9 months of pure wetness. but that didn't happen this year. i wonder how many more cases of S.A.D will develop from August's let down. Like when somone gave you raisins or pennies trick or treating when you were 9.

but this trip was by far the bestest most well rounded friend -o-rama I could have imagined. Pancake house at 5 am with bog booty woman barely covering their asses? wouldnt gve that up for nuthin. but no job. still. its weird how i go to house parties, bars and restaraunts and NEVER MANIFEST A JOB THERE EVERYTIME I GO> Greg made HOME MADE fried chicken - which I don't think Ive ever seen. It SITS In a VAT of BOILING OIL for 20 minutes! soaking up GREASE AS LONG AND AS HARD AS IT CAN- then you eat it! THAT CHAIR the grease is on- can never be sat on again BTW.

Let's just say I cried on the way up there having needed to get the hell outta town really bad... and sang and I think - I THINK I actually smiled to myself on the way home.

Dear Erin,

When you say to me "don't take my picture i don't wanna be on that flickity flackin mumbo jumbo Blognish I don't care-y blogger crap." you get your own entry with a mutha' flippin center shot. Love,
Carey

Self Reflective Suck Mode

so ahhhemm... I am trying to convince a certain advertising teacher to let me into his class sans all the pre required stuff- and I may have to send this to him to show my "creative writing skills" please-I would just like to say:

dear Mr. Art Man do not take my casualreferences of suicide and depression to heart. you know everyone feels this way sometime- I just am more honest about it? in public. online. right????I am just self reflective-like this foto . uhhhhh....right. It makes me deeper and more capable of writing kitchy jingles for products. Doesn't it? Like Santa in July- he has to know what the other side feels like to enjoy Christmas. Right?

so I was looking through fotos of Tuesday nite and I seem to see a pattern... what about me reads " HEY GIVE ME THE BIRD??" No wonder I am depressed everyone around me keeps flipping me off.
I haven't laughed so hard in....well since I was delirious in the desert talking about how they don't have to cap the burning man entrance to keep crowds down for the likes of ME- when we got in the car and found Baby Powder... I am really glad a mission cop didnt find us at this moment- I don't suppose he would have found it amusing AT ALL.....like when you casually joke about bombs at the airport..
Lorenzo insisted on walking me to my car at 4:30 am and as we were walking I was increasingly glad he did so- especialy after some dude yelled "I'd fuck 'em both" so he either likes bearded dudes or blonde chics. Or both.Or anyone. and if we had been an Amish couple walking he woulda said that too. Lorenzo was definately was flirting with the guy with his "bang bang finger" to bring that on. The graffiti wasn't doing much to put my mind at ease either. What does that mean???

wa-wa?

so I am dog tired during the day for no reason then WIDE AWAKE ALL NIGHT. So in my 4 am bloggersearch- I came accross this guy. WHAT??? totally biz-aro. It was in a foreign language so I didnt understand ANY of it- but holy cow ! Lookit his nails too- wow. I thought i saw it all at Burnngman. no. no i didn't see a LIVE GARGOYLE with a headband and man G-string in A POND.

dick nosed blobfish

this is a blobfish, This is how I feel. I have been incredibly depressed the last week. I worked at the bar friday night in a daze earned some decent bucks- and became increasingly aware of how ANNOYING drunkards are at 2 am...like this dick nose animal. and despite the good food and drink which we all know is a mere cover up for depression- i think it may not be THAT funny for me to leave messages and e-mails feigning a bullet in my head, tape over my mouth or say... watching all of Everybdy Loves Raymond back to back until I die alone- in bed- at age 27. Everyone keeps saying "yeah man, its real decompression time after the burn - it can be a downer for sure" Of course- this is the only thing that makes me laugh with pure joy- as I AM NOT DEPRESSED BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE PLAYA DUST UP MY CROTCH and a cunilingus camp next door asking me if some strange fat man can lick me after I ride my bike to the port-o- potty in the middle of a heat wave in thigh high boots and socks to avoid something called "playa foot".
No- No sir- I am sure its NOT that I DONT have a JOB- or that my love life blew up someone's nose, or that I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PURPOSE IN LIFE to speak of... No, no, that couldnt be it! Its that I miss TALKING to somoene over bad techno beats on shrooms dressed in a bunny outfit with no PANTS ON!!!!!!!!
So despite the mind numbing paralysis of my depression- I got out of bed and went to - yes- the SPCA where ALL DEPRESSED PEOPLE SHOULD GO TO FEEL BETTER. There is NOTHING like seeing hundreds of black kittens who no one will adopt due to some pathetic superstition made up by Babtist 200 years ago- or just general racism. Laura adopted 2 of them. and you know what? It DID HElP my depression - I WAS REALLY FUCKING GLAD THOSE whining cats weren't comin home with me!.
SO Shelly moved in a few weeks ago- I am no good at roomates I will admit- and she is- for all practial purposes the closest thing I have to a sister- and yet- I want her to die alongside me of said bullet in head. I never noticed how all in all out clumsy she is. In a matter if days- she has managed to pull the string off of the attic door so no one can ever go up and store or get what is stored up there ever again. SHe spilled coffee all down my armoire and chenelle blanket- I found her scrubbing the entire coffee stained living room when I woke up. I heard her yelling and ran in to find black GUNK spewing all over the kitchen as she clogged the disposal with roots of some sort. I go in and check on her everynight when she sleeps for fear that she has fallen asleep with a cigarette and we will both meet our impending death via fire and our families will have the expense of a double funeral on their hands. See how thoughful I am?

THe only thing making mefeel better is looking at these fucked up animals. I mean my god- what what was he thinking?

don steele is old as the dirt

so it was don steeles bithday last night- and you have to say DonSteele all at once together for it to be his name. We told him chics really DIG SMART DUDES WHO READ IN BARS so we headed down to The 500 club with some Hepatitus C text books. It was weird not ONE chic wanted to talk to him even on HIS BIRTHDAY.. hmmm... I think if any girl went back to his house and saw his collection of monkey art- they would definately over look the Hep C thing though. it is much harder, however, to overlok the fact that someone is straight out calling him GAY in a sign hanging on the wall. all in all- tho- DonSteele does just fine for himself. JUST FINE. It is afterall, San Francisco, where men are mice and have their pick of meeces. and monkeys.

cheapeats

So we all know my weakness is food (and sex but my friends arent calling up and asking me to go out and pay for sex every night-darnitall) and we all know nice food in swank restaraunts is SPENDY. THUS without my job- I do this little thing where I say " oh no- I cant I dont have any cash" then I go cause my specialty over easy eggs- which are the ONLY THING I CAN COOK- are getting REALLY OLD - eat and drink and cough up the $50-75 on my united visa rationalizing the free plane ticket I am earning that will only be blacked out for the dates I need to travel at any given time. Which I will eventually pay 13% on the dollar making every meal cost more like $120- and buying plane tickets last minute iwth cash when I realize miles dont work. Hey- I didn't go to law school for my math skilzzz. Scott and Greg joined me at Maverick - and I am pretty sure I can't go back there after somehow insulting (weird right?) the waiter by calling him 90 Lbs. which after watching the hipster olympics seemed like a compliment to me- but he suprisingly did not like it. Which is good because I somehow drop more duckets there than anywhere and end up at Uptown talking to 19 year old boys who claim to be 21 year old boys that work at Apple who are too smart for their britches and too young for old women such as myself.( After realizing I possibly could have given birth to one of these gents -when they said they were born in the 80's and I CLEARLY remember getting perms and using massive amounts of hairspray the same year - I left. )Krupa was in town from NYC so I HAD TO GO TO DELFINA and order snails and wine and steak and something else I don't recall that I have long since expelled. Then I hadn't seen Raymond in weeks so I HAD TO to go to SUSHI BISTRO which I highly recommend and have baby lobster fried with crazy fish names I do not know. God made fish and I must eat them. plain and simple. Its just unholy that human beings think they can steal said fish from nature and then CHARGE UNEMPLOYED LAWYERS up the (burned) ass for it. I also had to go to Little Star against my will and order endless wine, and while I appreciate a good bra adjustment- I highly doubt the patrons eating pizza paying good money needed to witness it. Of course, its possible some people highly enjoyed it as well. depends on what kind of pizza they ordered probably. I am hoping someone invites me to Chez Papa tonight so I can rack up miles for my trip to TANZANIA which only takes 250,000 miles. One qroque madam and i think I got it.

lookit my bro surfing!

i have to admit i wished i was in Maui a few times rather than in a dust storm in the desert-im glad i didnt see these until now....

BM what can i say?

Didn't stay for the temple burn Sunday night - and I like to remember it like this anyway- it was a bit of a "Debby Downer" as people had written the most pianful tear jerking comments all over it- i like it from this angle - far away mo better-
One of the cooler art pieces was this huge double truck welded together- so huge and it moved!!! I coulda done that if 1. i had thought of it 2. i had some help moving two semis 3. i had access to 2 semis 4. i gave a shit.

the double rainbow after the duststorm/rain shower was so intense- i have never seen colors like that. Tracy and I did the "elephant donkey dance" in the middle of nowhere when this appeared. This is tracy and i after the dust storm in the middle of no where after critcal tits where- of all people- i rode right by my childhood friend Paul Archer from Colorado just in time for him to see my top whip off... for the first time in my entire life=public nudity. I, by the way- got my tts oainted by THE ONLY MAN IN ALL OF BLACKROCK WHO HAD NO ART SKILLS WHATSOEVER- I ran back to camp and washe dthe MESS that he called "flames" of my naken torsoe. If Im gonna be naked- its at least gonna look good. here is Andrew making the final drinks of the week that I blame on my total debociary that thankfully only Carsten and Greg witnessed- It takes a lot to make me feel .. well... MORTIFIED.. but I did it- and I am sure they won't EVER TELL......

Congratulations to the happy freaky couple- Josh came back from the playa and announced he had proposed to Beth- The gem was encrusted in dust- which made it even more romantic I'm sure- and the fact that he was wearing some aqua stretchy skirt in bright pink with no underwear on when he did it- that will be a fine story for the kids...that now makes me the ONLY single non divorced or engaged or married woman over 30 in THE WORLD>>>>>

this is only 3 days of dust storms and no washing of the hair- which gave me a distinct "caveman head" look. there is too much to say and bascially i wouldn't know what to say anyway- weird. crazy. intense.scary.funny.uncomfortable. nuts. and I BURNED MY ASS AGAIN - even worse this time- almpst in the exact same spots- what the hell is GOD SAYING?? GOD I AM NOT GETTIING TH EMESSAGE>> PLEASE be more CLEAR ..

It gave Anthony a more "grumpy old man " look- but we felt lucky to have made it back at all after the 2 hour white out - couldn't see a foot in front of us and I learned my lesson to NEVER leave home without goggles strapped to me again- and i didn't. I am not sure how- but Rose and Kenny looked like supermodels the entire time- no matter how many miles we rode- sweated or bugged out. Some peopl